Months or years from now, who thought that I would be a 19 year old Zoe Kan sitting in her room 7 days a week, spending her afternoons, nights and mornings listening to tunes with these beautiful portable speakers bought by her parents before her leaving abroad. One of the many things that I am grateful for. Including this laptop bought when I was 15 (do not think I should've deserved it then) that crashes during the most critical times ever. But no one's to blame.. no one's to blame. But instead, there are things to be grateful for.

Many days I've found myself frowned up with self pity, wanting life to shower me with goodness as a token of apology for the "shit" that I perceive that it has put me through. But I'm tired. I have been tired and now I am just numb. Accepting the fact that this is me and this is my life and I am okay (at least I hope that I'm not in denial) with my life.

An important point to point out is that I am beyond blessed with the love and support that I know is unconditionally around me. But me being "okay" with this life I'm in now makes me want to not be "okay" with it and to swim out from this tide that's drowning my capability. If I came here without any expectations, and I feel like a dead soul.. Shouldn't my gut feelings have already revealed themselves to me? I feel the urge to puke.

It's only 7 pm and I already want it to be 10 pm for me to deserve to sleep. But I believe that it is too soon.

I dream of a life to where I don't have to dream of a life. To where my heart and soul and reveal myself with an aura it produces. To speak without words. I know it takes time and I know with understanding and realisation, I have to constantly put myself out there and be open to shit smack to my face. To let these tears leak from me. To let go and to receive.

I enjoy crying. A lot! I enjoy the tears warming my cheeks. It doesn't have to mean anything. It just is. And it is comforting. I enjoy having the warm sun against my skin and laughing till I ache. I enjoy having my hands held. I enjoy drawing as an escape. I enjoy tuning in and falling in to a tune. I enjoy feeling sad but knowing that it will be okay. And sometimes knowing that it won't be okay unless I do something a bout it. I enjoy feeling sorry for myself in order to get my parents to put sense in to my head. You just need that.

Coming here has felt like a dream. I felt like I barely reached the fullstop for the end of a chapter before I left. I felt like there were still so many pages, words and sentences to be written before proceeding to a new chapter. But I don't think that I am in control of writing my story. But I definitely am living it how it's supposed to be with my own freewill of choices.

Coming here, I've feel like nothing feels like real matter. My thoughts are on home, or on the future. The present of my mind is where I am not supposed to be. And I bet that happens to everyone I guess. But I can't feel my feet on the ground. I feel like I'm in a dream and when I wake up, I'll still be in a dream. Because I've understand this familiar feeling enough to give it a hand shake and wear on thicker skin toward it.

Hmm.

Points.

I was walking, towered by the city lights holding up the darkness of the sky,
The combination of shelter producing a clone of my matter
Still shadows follow me on my left.. One clear, and one vague.
I kept on looking at them following me. With my heart beating faster than ever. I felt scared and unsure of my own shadow. As I feel that being a lone would be safer. Why was I scared of the light against myself in the still darkness?

I wanted to be the only moving object of existence.
I didn't want to be accompanied by the darkness that I produced.

I walked further and faster.
I focused the front and slowly let my shadows drift
into the darkness.

Loads of work piled up in the corner of my mind - but it's okay. It's always good to give yourself time to relax, wind down and .. I forgot the word that I really wanted to use.

Anyway! you'll roughly understand where I'm going :-) I'll just write myself to sleep.

Coming to UK has still (but it's getting better) a whirlpool. But to be honest, along a narrow and bitter line, I can feel myself getting better and my perspective to things change. I'm starting to feel less sorry for myself, and am allowing myself to grow and nourish the way I am supposed to. Trial and error is what life is all about I guess. Everyone's living a different life, different future, different change and growth time. This is definitely one of the weirdest and most heart breaking and at the same time, relieving and self realising one I've had. And I know I have more life roller coasters to come.

But I am secured by an everlasting love knowing that everything will be fine and I am growing the way I am supposed to be. I am out of comfort to look for comfort and it a repeat. I am on the road to build strong muscles for my mental strength. It is scary but exciting and nourishing.

Bad days will come, and they will make me strong.
Good days are always in the bad days :-)

A step forward - and I fall into deep mystery.
I shout in agony, "let me be."
Only to receive an echo of myself
Shouting back at me,
"Didn't you want to be free?"

Slowly waking up.

I lie in bed, I walk in wonder, I wander in a wonder, I wonder in a wander. I am present in a dream, I am present in reality. I am absent in nothingness, I am present in plenty. Whoah.. Where am I? I know where I am. But why don't I feel myself? I can smell, breathe, touch, taste, listen. But the stimulations I get are from somewhere else.

You appreciate the warmth of the sun, you appreciate the warmth of the souls. You think of the could've beens - but they are the could've beens because it wasn't done when I was there, present. You wish and hope and miss only when you're away. You feel like you weren't ready. But then again, when are we ever ready? A given certificate, a bought plain ticket. A step into a new place.. It wouldn't necessary mean that you were ready.

"Ready.. Set.. Go!"
But you actually are. Time was there, and time was given. Decisions were made, and blessings were given.

I watch myself cry (or more like gasps for air) but still, those cries are the given water for growth, nourishment and strength to my surroundings, environment and self. Those cries were needed even though I felt like the present was a bad, bad dream.

I honestly don't understand what I'm going through. But at the same time, I know that good things are yet to come. Things suck, things are confusing, but I'm holding my breath, and biting my tongue, I'm clenching my fist, my muscles are tense.. Good things are yet to come. *exhale*

-

Throwback to Wednesday, when I just felt really hollow. And when the weather and vitamin D wasn't there to infuse me with goodness. I started crying like I have never before. I couldn't breathe and I was helpless with my emotions. They were ooooozing out of me profusely. What the hell is going on?

And I cried, and cried and cried.

I wouldn't call myself "religious" or a "good christian" because I never did ever think or care what a "christian life" or a "good christian" is supposed to be (more of that another time!) My faith is personal and all I know was that He was and is there to comfort me, and to also subconsciously, infuse me with good intentions because my God is so full of TLC! and so righteous!

"You don't have to look at the bigger picture. But you can always draw the bigger picture."
"You probably weren't ready to leave the nest. But you could learn how to fly now."

One step at a time Zoe, take a deep breath, good things are yet to come. They are.

Time to read on Pop Art now.

Giving myself a chance.

Upon arriving to a new place, to write and live this new chapter of my life. It has made me feel and realise change. And I believe that the change I feel is what change means, it's neither good, nor bad, you feel so uneasy but at the same time okay. You're just at that awkward, unsettled, but everything seems okay when you think about it - phase.

To start it off, leaving Malaysia - especially that whole last week, was so nerve wrecking. I didn't feel ready, it felt so foreign and it only made me realize how much I've grown into loving my country and the people in it. I have grown in love with the warmth, the food and the familiarity of it and said to dad, "I feel like this is the end." to which he replied with a laugh and then said, "it's only the beginning." and leaving denial aside, it is true! It's only the beginning to independence. And independence means being strong, being able to handle things with your own hands, being able to be the one to wipe your own tears when you cry, being the one to seek out what you need, and to remove what you don't.

And I just recieved a text from my mother saying "Okay my baby is all grown up and should be able to handle any obstacles right?"

I am not going to lie, this place is dead. And there's nothing much going on at all. But I have learnt not to complain but to embrace the goodness of this place. And tell myself that I am nothing but blessed to be where I am right now. It's time to put things into perspective, time for it to fit this cup that my parents have lovingly created for me to pour myself in to, so I can pour all that I can offer with love and good intentions in return.

It is hard. It really is. I wasn't one to always be in my room most of the time. I always had the urge to go out. but I've realized that coming here, I find peace and calmness by just being in my room, lying on my bed watching the clouds go by with tunes painting the air I breathe. I believe that it has become a blessing, something that I really need and haven't nurtured myself to do. It has given me time to think consciously and I believe that it is all how my growth is supposed to be. Independent, and realisation.

There are days where I cry in bed. Sob even. Days where I am happy. I have learnt to live my days, by the day. I have learnt not to wish I was anywhere but here (or still am learning).

But one thing I have learnt is to be strong and independent.

One thing that I want to work on now is to move my concentration to the sole purpose to why I am here now which is for my education. And to nurture and do well in it and not lose inspiration to this beautiful world of design. To look at the bigger picture and make myself, mum and dad and people proud of me. To know that all the hard work they've put up for me has been worth it and so that I can return them their love and kindness.

It takes time. Growth is happiness.. Growth is happiness.
And change is growth. This is such a huge lesson, and lessons sucks. But it brings good. Amen!

Changes

No matter how shit I feel, I always feel the need to give a pat on my back and the hug to the people who get me through the day and the strength that I am able to give the day to.

I've realized that this is life, you're constantly changing, constantly being judged, constantly being feel like you're looked at. But at the end of the day, when you're walking alone, (or not) you realize that you're cool with things. You don't need to justify yourself because you're enough and you just am.

:-)

I am going through changes, this chapter of my life is starting off really differently from the last and I guess that is what makes the story more interesting and difficult and change is constant growth and before you sleep, or before you wake, take a deep breath and be grateful for change and be grateful for the strength that you've bring from within.

I feel content, it's like I do know myself, but at the same time I'm so excited to know and see what strength and what ideas I can bring to contribute to the world, people and society. And the only way is to be open and to accept but at the same time be strong and to speak whenever needed.

Speak and not waste time.

I haven't felt this motivation in a long time and I feel that it is great and this is definitely change.

I am excited!

I went to London today and it as a different but great experience.

Life doesn't have to be happy nor sad. It can be whatever, it can be this or that. Today was as it is and tomorrow will be what it is again. I'm okay, I'm cool.

I'm just gonna move and grow with a smile, confident and happy with myself. I don't need to speak much, I just need to be. Some things in life is inevitable and all you can do is leave the rest to the future or to God to deal with.

But! There are things that you can control in your life and that is : do well in your course, and get closer to God and what the truth is. To grow in faith.

I think I am pretty comfortable and okay with my health and what I feel about food and all, I am okay with yeah.. I'm okay and it's feeling great being okay.

I hope!

Agh!

So, it's my last day in London (sort of) (I can come visit whenever hehe) but yeah, I'm off to Kent. And I am in a mix of emotions. But I guess it's only normal.. showering yourself with thoughts like "will I make friends?" especially being in a different country and all.

But then again, my mind has the will and ability to broaden therefore I shouldn't doubt my future or whatever with negative input and worry that I have no control of! I am excited, for my course, to start an adventure in my area and to also meet interesting people and see how I grow.

All is under God's hands and all will be well. So, hakuna matata.

The more rights there are implemented the more human beings are unsatisfied!
The more advancement and freedom we have, the more we want more rights.
The more brave we get to say what we want to say in this liberal age.
The more we are advancing, the more peace we're finding, and the more strength of speech each human beings possess,

the more we find for things to fight upon!

Buzz in my nose!

Why hellloooo all! It's been a long time since I've blogged. And I am excited about it! :-)

I am never ever stable with my blogging, it's either a sudden blot or splurge on feelings or like random things. Well this shall be one of those sudden rush of wanting to blog, edit pictures and stuff. Probably because I'm in a new location now.

I am in the UK! London to be exact. I've been here for a week... no less than a week and I'll be going to Kent on the 13th. I'll be studying there, doing my degree in Product Design (I am hella excited to keep myself busy and frustated and then wonder why would I ever wanna keep myself busy with assignments) But yeah, it's about time that I get my ass on something and put my mind on passion instead of education and try to nurture passion in product design.

I am such a fan of imagery messaging and functions! And I can't wait.

Aside from this course, Product Design, I'm excited to see what Kent has to offer. A new campus life.. again.. but it should be fine! I am excited. I keep saying that. But new chapters are always exciting don't you think? The saucepan.. what's that word.. (when you w..) OH YES SUSPENSE lol. Yeah the suspense of it and the adventure you're about to venture yourself in. I am excited.

It has been becoming more sweet than bitter though. And speaking of sweet, my cousins have been so great and sweet to me, cooking really healthy food, splurging on me.. and just being so sweet that I do not know what to do except to express gratitude.. and yeah.

It somehow is motivating me to do well, and you know, be successful as the day goes by to be able to give to those who have given me and to bless to those who have blessed me, [and to also bless those and everyone around me by being myself and by offering what I can :-)] because it's through their actions that I have learnt the meaning of those.

Hmm aside from that, I've been sleeping very early and waking up early.. having coffee and breakfast and it's making me feeling healthy and happy. And I hope to keep this sleeping early and waking up early. I love my morning jogs and walks and coffee and breakfast so much. Plus the air's so good.. it's 10:46 am now, I havent taken a walk out.

Anyway I have shitloads to talk about that I don't actually have an organized post. But who caresssss rightttttt? I've been walking to the museums nearby, and I spend like 4 hours in one section and by the time I wanna move on the museum closes. Like the other day I went to the V&A and there was this exhibition called "Disobedient Objects" It was hella interesting. Basically it was about riots and protests going on in the world, human fighting for rights and things like that. Their art and medium used to portray a message for freedom and belief. So interesting.

And yeah.. there's so much to talk about...

I love alt-j

Okay here are pictures of my breakfast. Preston lent me his camera and am I so blessed! I miss taking pictures and I might just take my camera out today :-) I havent taken one out and shot stuff before today might be the start. But idk what to do today yet. We'll see. I'll shower and make my bed.

Anyway yeah... my breakfast lulz.

(Just finished editing them!)
(I just realized how much I miss adjusting curves so much)
(But it gets abit frustrating because it's like you want to achieve that tone but you can't but patience is virtue and yeah)

Pretty pleased with how the colours turned up. Though I'd like to vignette them but the vignette for this software sux can't wait to get photoshop or something but I need to factory mode my laptop cz apparently there's a bug ew.

Okiedokie gonna shower and see what the world has to offer! Hopefully I'll be back with more pix :-)

p/s : i have the numbest feet leg thigh i feel like should i move orrrrrr

A new chapter?

Hello!

I am currently in my cousin's place at London right now. Man things have been weird for me and I have been a mixed of emotions.

Before leaving, I felt like it was the end of something.. and I don't know what that something is. But then dad said that, "It's not the end! It's only the beginning." and that's true, it's the ending of a chapter and now a new chapter of my life - which is a story. And it's continuous, and it's constantly changing and it's on my growth. We grow internally ; spiritually, and mentally and emotionally. May I gain strength through out the day!

It was sad leaving. Leaving friends, leaving parents, leaving a guy..

I cried so many times, knowing that my 8 months of freedom really did draw me so much into comfort and things build upon and with people.

I'm still in the midst of mixed emotions. Everyday! Trying to be stronger and trying to take it day by day and not dwell and worry too much upon the future, and to stop looking back at the past. The time is today and the best I can do to be strong is to be the best I can be today.

I definitely have drawn myself close to God and have to stop taking that for granted. But he has been so good to me.

I just have to be strong, keep my head up high and smile!

Step by step goals!

So, I decided to blog about my goals step by step. I might not be able to reach them as expected, as in - be in what I expect 100% but like I said, goals are great. They motivate you and push you to be a better version of what you can be!

Anyway, I hope to get a part time job right now. But the only problem I am facing is that I travel up and down from KL and JB a lot. But I really do want to earn money to save, and to learn and understand the value of working hard to earn money in a deeper depth by putting myself in that situation. By having a job, I get to also learn not to simply use my money for granted.

Well, I will meet up with my friend one of these days to ask about this part time job and hopefully will be able to contemplate to take it up. I do have family plans and IELTS to do. But come on, I need to be determined in order to achieve certain things in life! I then will contemplate with my parents. Well, everything is possible. We'll see how it goes. But I believe that getting a job will change me as a person.

Secondly, I want to stop being sorry for myself whenever I feel myself being in a tough situation. Instead of being sorry for myself, I want to push myself and motivate myself to shake whatever is holding me back and just go forth and to do what you know is right instead of just staying safe in a spot where you feel sorry for yourself. I now understand and believe, that only you can build your strength up by going through pain and hardship. Same goes like working out! You want to achieve your goal right? To be healthy, and fit and the only way you can achieve that is by putting yourself through hard work, determination and.. pain! You temporary torture yourself and push yourself in order to achieve a goal and satisfaction. Working out has definitely been a good metaphor for me in terms of striving to be a better person.

So shake what you do not like about yourself off, and work for it!

I also do want to not just say but I also want to really do what I say yes it might be tough. But there's nothing more attractive than a guy, or a girl to do what they preach and say and share. It shows your determination and trust upon yourself.

Other things I do want to work on is to be a better daughter, sister, cousin, niece, and grandchild. I want to learn to be patient and never ever take their undying love fore granted. I want to learn and try, step by step, effortlessly with guidance from God to be a better family member for everyone. No I won't try too hard and lie myself to what a better family member should be but I will be the best version of Zoe Kan can be as a family member and rationalize my doings well. I will definitely try that.

Lastly, I do love my friends so much. I've always felt really at home with them. I will build myself up and know what is right for me and them and understand any situation well and accept any fact that comes in our way. I will compromise to situations and always be there for them as they have always been there for me. I will not force on to friendships, but I will definitely try to be the best I can be and always try to put a smile on their faces as they have definitely put smiles on my face and gave warmth to my heart!

Other than that, I want to produce more art and getting to know more power women! I have been doing that as I have been going to art websites, looking at art, getting to know the artists. I have also been stumbling on to power women who have inspired me so much to be a better lady! There is so much for me out there. Tomorrow is holding so much of excitement. I love and appreciate everything. This might just be a phase of my life but it's feeling good. And I always hope the best for you too! (whoever who is reading this.. and even not)

:-)

I promise myself..

It's 2.25 am and I am finding it really hard to sleep. Well, it could be because of the damn Americano I had this afternoon during my tea time (their brunch time) with Jacelyn and Heng.. But yeah I'm so physically tired but mentally, I am as nocturnal as any nocturnal person can be!

Anyway, I do enjoy having epiphanies and sudden realization on how my perspective of life should be. And I love them! My own epiphanies and realization motivates me and they always make me want to start fresh and new with a different mindset, a different perspective towards life.

I'm super sleepy physically but my mind is so awake.. I've already said that. But I'm gonna list down or divide things that I promise myself to achieve as I am growing. I might fail but hey, setting a goal is always good and well. It makes you stand firm on your ground as you have a vision of what you want and what you want to grab hold off. And then, with a goal you tend to come out with a strategy (I've learnt that in business class) (I so miss studying)

Anyway here goes..

Physical Health!

I wouldn't say I want to be rip as f or whatever but I do want to feel good to look good and look good to feel good but never ever will I over exhaust myself. I have been in fact, exercising 3 times a week and I am pleased with that. On the days where I don't necessary exercise, I do skip rope to just sweat a bit, do house chores, bring my dog for a walk, or go for a walk. I remain active even though I do not exercise. I take the stairs whenever possible, try to reach that part of the ceiling, mop the house, do the dishes.. do the dishes! Doing the dishes would be my favourite workout. And also offer to go down to the shop down the road to get mum something she needs for lunch.

People tend to ask me questions like, "do you have cheat days?" "do you binge eat?" Well honestly speaking, I've never had cheat days.. I tend to eat as healthy as possible whenever I can because I know I'm nourishing my body. And when I mean healthy as possible I mean by getting good whole carbs, fresh and leafy green vegetables, lean meat or fresh meat. Basically nothing deep fried, processed, msg infused.. just real food that we need to get our metabolism going - real food to nourish our body in order to nourish our mind and soul. And yes, speaking of soul, whenever I feel like having a chocolate, I'd have a chocolate. Or a bite of something sweet or what I crave for. Restricting yourself too much would lead to worry, anxiety and just plain misery. I've subconciously had that before and I realize that it wasn't healthy and it wasn't how it was supposed to be. If you want something, and if you crave for it.. your cravings are from within and you do need it to satisfy your soul in order to satisfy your body. It's only human nature! Same like how you need alone time when you've been surrounded by your loved ones. All in all, in terms of physical health, it is important to have a balance. Sleep whenever you feel like it - but try to have enough! Have a good breakfast, eat well and drink shit loads of water.

Anyway, after saying this. I want to achieve a well balanced and healthy life style as long as I can! To have enough physical movement, and also inner nourishment. 

Mental Health!

I have my sad days, and I have my happy days. On my sad days, I tend to go crazy and over analyze and be super sensitive over the smallest thing that seem to matter so much. And ladies and gentleman, that is normal. You think and you feel that you might be the only one who feel that way, but we all go through them! And the only we we can cure them is from within because we understand ourselves so much better than anyone else can. People might say "I understand how you feel." when you confide in them, I do say that to people but then you know and they know that you say that out of empathy, they do not fully "understand" how you feel because you are you, I am me and they are them! But having that "I understand how you feel." gives you that instant comfort - knowing that you're not the only one in the world who feels that way. And it is comforting :-)

So what I am trying to say is that it all starts from within. And the only way to have good mental health is by well, changing your perspective towards things as you grow. Many things in our life is beyond our control.. and it hit me that God is in control of things, really since who else would be controlling the things that are beyond our control? But the only thing you can control in order to deal with things beyond our control is by controlling your mind and changing your view and perspective toward things. It takes time, it really does. But you'll reach there. I know you will. Always believe that in whatever hard ships you're going through, better days are yet to come. 

All in all, when things are beyond your control, when you don't get what you want and when things do not go your way, remember that better things are yet to come. And that remember that you have control and ability to change you perception towards things. The world can be a brighter place and a dark place all by what scope of mind set you use. It's all your choice.

And lastly, I do believe in having a balance of sadness and happiness. As human beings, we bring sadness in our life and we hate it. And then we over come them by bringing out the strength we have always had in us and that's really what makes us mentally stronger. By accepting the balance of darkness and happiness and appreciating them.

So much more I want to say but it might be too much and I am feeling tired.. still.. but physically. But it's a mix match of tiredness it just feel so odd.

In conclusion, I can't really come to a conclusion because life has its ups and downs. But in terms of mental health, I hope to achieve a strong mind with a strong heart. 

Emotional Health!

I believe that our emotional health is affected by both mental and physical health.

With a good balance of both elements and party, you get a good balance of emotional health. 

--

All in all, I want to achieve great things in my life. I want to learn how to stand firm in what I believe in. I want to learn how to compromise situations like how a woman should. I want to make mistakes and fight myself out of it with forgiveness and humility. I want to give and receive feelings and emotions with full of sincerity. I want to be a better version of me each day until the day I die! And I bet everyone wants to achieve that. I do not ever want to feel sorry for myself but instead, accept myself for the things and choices I have made in my life. I want to be a daughter that would support my parents after all they have done for me. I want to be a sister who is understanding and patient. I want to be a friend that care and love and would do anything for them. I will try to stop taking things for granted. Yes, life in contradicting. But I guess that is what makes it interesting. 

I honestly want to gain strength and run the last round, run the final KM because I can. I do not want to be "tired of this.." because I am so blessed, I have a blessed life. And with that, the most or least I can do is to give, and be the best Zoe Kan there is! 

:-) 

I want to say more but... sleeeeep is calling me.

It's good to know that you're enough and that you are able to achieve the goals in life you need and want to reach.

Ears to listen!

Was too lazy to be bothered to type with how I feel and what not and doing this always sort of makes me feel better. So yeah. If you feel like listening!

As you grow into yourself, you'll start realizing things about yourself and you start discovering who you are, right? And sometimes you will never fully understand or comprehend who you are but you'll get bits of who you are from experiences and so on..

Anyway, I do in fact like confiding in people and like it when people confide in me. It's a bonding at a different dimension of a relationship. But at the same time, I know that people will be there for me. I know that they are. But I dislike being a burden with my problems. Because at the end of the day, only you are able to cure yourself and build yourself upppppppppppp.

I'm down with food poisoning and thoughts.

It sucks but I know I'll get over it.

Ketchup with sweet mustard!

"You should actually shower now, you'll feel like a new woman." Said Halili after taking a shower at ma crib. And so when she left and I was done with lunch and a movie and the dishes, I decided to shower! "You should use this lavender body scrub. You'll feel so nice and smooth." Said my mum a few days ago and yes I did use the scrub. I smell more like coconut instead of lavender but I feel nice and smooth as well :-) 

Anyway, I'm listening to Slowdive right now! 

My parent's are on their way back from their fishing trip they had with their friends. I could've joined them but I had my own friends I wanted to meet and catch up with! Though, I miss fishing. 

But anyway, so yesterday Halili came over and we had "tea-time" cz she had my cake and I had coffee and some biscuits and then we got ready to head out to meet the other friends B-) I have a serious bad ass problem.. I am so indecisive when it comes to what to wear and it's such a really bad habit and it's so time consuming. It's so stupid. I mean it's a phase but it's so stupid.. and unreasonable in terms of time consumption and yeah.. just the whole thing!

So.. anyway, we cabbed to city square. And oh ma guuudness. It's so different - as in city square! I have not been there in ages and the food court's really lovely and the settings at the top level's really lovely and pleasent as well!

Yeah so basically it was me, halili, mae, sanj and pritasha. We caught up and whoahhh I've not laughed that hard and painfully in a really long time. Mae and I got really tired halfway though.

And then after catching up for a bit we decided to head to Sakae Sushi (WE ALWAYS GO THERE.) And guys remember that time we went to Sushi King for lunch and then Sakae Sushi for dinner. Yeah that time I tripped on the floor.

Mae was so sleepy that's why look at that but ala kesian. All in all it was so nice and great catching up with them and stuff. But yeah, we all do talk quite often on whatsapp so thank god for technology. But it was really lovely seeing their faces :-)

And then Halili Mae and I cabbed to Big Food which is a cafe opposite my house and then after some watermelon juice and warm lemon tea we walked home and insulted the heck outta each other on the sofa "kan face" "shit face urika" we couldn't think of a bad one for Halili and ya etc etc etc. And the night went on and on with music videos, conversations, and handphones and then sleep.

There's really no picture of mae in my phone... omg love you baby. 

Whilst listening to slowdive and we dive slowly into the song..

And then morning came so Mae had to go back to get her deck for her board and I made oats for Halili and I!

After that we decided to go for a walk and watch tv and then yeah.. there's really nothing much to do in JB we've realized except to go to each other's house.. or Singapore. 

And then bye Halili.

All in all it was lovely catching up with them and having lovely conversations :-) I've realized I really do like night time and I'm just waiting for the night to arrive already.. It's nothing negative or whatever it's just that at the moment I'm not bothered to do much and I have nothing to do and the night sort of gives you this solitude-dinal (there's no such word) comfort.

p/s : I wish that there were more pictures of Mae :-(

I suck at titles

I have massive problems when it comes to writing a "Post Title" because I honestly do not know what title I would want for this post. Maybe I'll decide at the end of this entry. Anyway, I did not realize that it would already be Friday today! Oh how the week goes by super massively fast.

I am super duper bored right now so I have decided to talk about my day today from a - z since I can't seem to be bothered with what the internet has to offer (at the moment) (I'll definitely read more articles/watch videos/music later on) (but not now.)

Anyway, I woke up at 9.30 am today I think and had ma detox water and juice! I then decided to jog because I sorta knew it would rain in the evening and that would make me not jog and I really wanted to jog in the morning sun as well as apparently it makes you sleep earlier and well at night or when it is time to sleep - or so I hope! So yeah anyway I did 3 rounds and by the time I got back I was sweating like a mofo because the sun was blazinnnnnn'

Anyway yeah after that I toasted bread and spread 1/2 and avocado that my parents left behind for me. A picture of my breakfast is not necessary but I like blog post with pictures (in general).

I swear this is the yummiest bread I have tasted in my whole life. I wanted to have a third slice but I thought that I should save more for tomorrow/later or whatever lol. SO GOOD.

Anyway after that I did the dishes, uh made my bed, hung them clothes and then showered and then got ready to go grocery shopping with my mutti aka mum. We bought groceries for dinner and my cake making B-)

Yeah anyway, so I've passed my driving test (lol.. "passed") but yeah I did so mum asked if I wanted to drive up the road and turn into the house like it was such a big deal.. because it was a big deal so I was pretty stoked and was like ya sure so we exchanged seats and I drove in and she panicked so much and it was quite funny cz it's actually just turning in..

Anyway so I came home and made myself some coffee and broused did I just spell browsed as broused and browsed the net and then made ma cake! I found this raw vegan carrot cake recipe and decided to try it :-)

It's super easy and super fun to make! I also decided to make the "icing" for it. It's made out of cashew nuts and coconut oil and honey and stuff!

Anyway, after that I had to clean up and help mum prepare the roasted chicken that I love super damn freaking much so I then chopped crap loads of vegetable it was quite disgusting like a freaking farm in a bowl

And then after that I skipped rope and decided to watch Totoro. IT IS a damn freaking feel good cute kawaii movie that made me smile and laugh and it had such a pleasent ending I love it so much. Tho the cat bus and totoro had quite scary smiles but they had good hearts :-)

And then dinner! So happy that there are leftovers! Well the leftovers are bound to happen and my parents won't be around for the weekend so yay free prepared food for me and my homies if they do come over. I think they are.

Okay so after dinner I did the dishes again while my parents had to do their own stuff and then I decided to go for a walk after throwing the rubbish out because the weather was so good and so was the air so I guess it was a sign from above for me to go for a walk and then I came back and continued Totoro. Still such a cute movie!

After that my parents wanted to try da carrot cake.

And then this was yesterday's lunch..

I've missed my mum's aglio e olio so so so much!

It's buckwheat pasta, squid, prawn, peas, cherry tomatoes, cheese, onion, garlic and idk a pinch of delicious.

Anyway yeah this is my Friday for you today.. I honestly do not know what to do after this. I might read a book or shower for the sake of it or just continue browsing later. We'll see how things go! All in all, when I'm home I really do just like being at home.. most of the time. But I think I'll be going out tomorrow though. I'm not sure about that.

And Elvis is getting better.

and p/s miss you Celine!

I'm gonna try to sleep early tonight but I think it won't happen.

Omg I just read my title without really looking at it and it looks like "I suck at titties"

Give and take

I'm sitting at my front porch. I am comforted by the breeze and the greens. I can hear the birds and the chimes. I am by my dog Elvis. He is really very weak. My dad said it "might be about time." but I choose not to believe for.. I can't predict whatever is bound to happen. I'm trying not to think much about the future situation but I'll just be by his side and be his comfort for he has been mine throughout the years.

As I looked up face front..

I thought of my dog. On how he has taught me so much about being loyal, humble, and showing himself on how much he cares through actions instead of words. He doesn't ask for much. He asks and gives things that can be felt instead of seen.. and it's such a beautiful thing to witness.

We don't need much. We really don't.

Having said that,

I hope I have given people, my pets, things, nature, environment (basically whatever I sub-depend on) enough credit and appreciation to how wonderful many of them have been for me. I hope I am giving back or am giving well enough to them as a friend, as ears, as a heart, as a soul and as a person put on this earth for them (as well).

And I can honestly and truthfully say that I am in deed, giving back and showing my appreciation by building myself up together with their wisdom, love, and care by becoming a better person each day. At least I do try.. or I don't try at all. But even if I do or I don't, I do always have the intentions to become a better person for myself and how I treat the other party.

To give is to take and to take is to give.

What I mean is, when I give with sincerity, I take in lessons and satisfaction from others for myself in the most humblest way. And when I say to take is to give, whatever love, wisdom, care, advice I take in, I hope to give it back as they build me up in order to give back :-)

And by "hoping that I am giving enough." I hope that I, at the same time - am nourishing myself enough with goodness that is offered to me. I hope that the goodness that I have gained through experiences, and observation is building me up as a person on this earth day by day for the well of myself and the things around me.

I hope to plant seeds to shelter the ground, both metaphorically and literally.

I hope that this heart of mine would be sincere for you.

I decided to do something and then had this odd weird twisting feeling in my heart T.T

But.....

whatever....

I'll go and skip my rope again. I've been bringing it around. Better than nooosing myself.
Like an empty well it was.

Smaller bigger things

I'm so sleepy. Exhausted and whatever. But I can't help but want to type or talk about something.

Well.

I honestly do miss being at a place for a month straight instead of going weekly to different environments. I just feel so unsettled. It's like "here we go again." but then again, that isn't much of a big deal. It isn't something that I should take so seriously, and make it as an excuse emotionally. It's such a small matter.

I am learning and should learn to look at the bigger picture.
I think I am. There are so many matters that I should focus my attention and effort on. So much of positivity to give and take.

I actually don't remember what I wanted to talk about. At least I had a conversation and reassurance with myself in my head.

All in all, I am very contented with who I am and what I am today. I'm trying to be the best that I can be at every moment of my life. Or what I feel is good enough to give. I don't ask for much from other people as well.

I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe tomorrow.

Insides s s s

I believe that.. confidence with a smile is key. By that I mean; not being afraid of what you're doing and who you present yourself to be, or who you are.. well.. if you've gotten that figured out (who you are) (because I definitely do not know who I am). And by that I mean, not being afraid to be something that you are/who you think you are/who you think you should be/what is right for you, sincerity! and not being afraid to face mistakes, not being afraid to take any action to stand firm on what you know is right, - just not being afraid of yourself and what you choose to portray in your environment. If it comes from the heart, if it's genuine from within then you and everyone would know what's up.

And that smile is what levels your ego down, that smile is to show that you're sincere and humble as a person. Yes confident, but at the same time you would own up to your mistakes, you dare to know you're wrong. That smile is to compromise any situation with empathy.

And that smile could also mean, "I believe I'm right.. and you know it."

Secondly, I also believe that it is really good to help. Even if you feel that you are not capable, even if you think that you are not. Just do what you are capable of, offer help with all your heart and what your heart can handle. And at the end.. hope for nothing in return and stay true to karma. It's so contradicting, but you know that if you do good, if you have a good heart. You expect nothing and you become contented with the littlest things and so.. you'll make the good out of everything. A sincere heart will radiate it's glow and sincerity to everything and anything around it. I guess it's pretty simple!

Also, follow instincts.
And by that, I mean your own intuitions.

Because you carry your gut, your brain and your heart! :-)

Organize yoself / back

I now have one shoe and one bag which I wear out 100% of the time for the past month and it is so rare of me.

Any way, I think that I'm growing and growing each day even at my downest, even at my highest, I'm definitely growing and becoming stronger each day and certain of myself even though I think I'm not sometimes but I know throughout the days and whatever. I am infact, growing or becoming a contented container of a contented soul. Oh phases and moments. So bipolar when it comes to life!

Furthermoreeeee ... . ..  .

I used to change my bags to carry out quite often. But recently, I've been just stuck to one.. which is this navy blue leather bag. Aside from that, I've also been walking around on my brown leathered loafers because.. they both just go with everything and yeah. They are safe enough to wear out with any outfit I put on. 

I still will use my other shoes and bags though. It's just that I've been really comfortable with these two and it's kinda rare. Like I'm always changing shoes everyday, and bags but I've kinda stopped! :-O it's as though I'm not bothered to bother or like you know.. yeah.. I just can't be bothered. 

They are my essential basics now till I don't know when- I guess. This whole topic about my shoe and my bag isn't important and don't matter but I just feel like talking about it instead of things that actually do matter.

I'm kinda annoyed because really none of this really matter and I don't even know why I'm talking about my shoe and my bag.

Anyway, I'm still the same and by same I mean not organized and messy. The bigger the bag, the more cluttered it is and the more filled it is with things that I DO NOT NEED. And this bag can fit a lot. What is that is that an eye liner? 2 books (an extra one incase I finish reading the other) loose coins, 2 pens.. wrappers. 

So, I decided to write this post to organize the content on my bag and hope that this post will motivate me to organize it well.

What I need and want in it is...

+ I want to start to carry a camera around. Any camera other than my phone. I've got so many cheap film cameras loaded with films but I haven't really shot much.

+ A small notebook (I already have that)

+ A pen. ONE PEN!

+ My keys

+ Portable charger + cable (tell myself to charge them everynight)

+ Tissue paper.. 

+ I have a small bottle of lotion

+ Lip gloss.

+ My wallet.

+ My water bottle.

Yeah. I do wanna start taking pictures to develop them. I'll get that started once I'm back again. Remind yourself, Zoe!

When I'm back, all I wanna do is stay at home. Help up with them chores, go for runs, walk ma dog, watch TV, draw, etc etc etc.. I love the comfort too much and cbf to do anything else :-) Sorry fwens hehehe.

What did I do today? Well, I made juice with mum and then breakfast. And then did my parent's bed and not mine because what's the point if it's gonna be messy again the next morning.. right? Toilet. Uh walked ma dawg B-) so gonna miss walking him :-( uh hung clothes did them dishes watched tv played the guitar and piano and tried to sing but i felt like I couldn't so I drank honey and I still couldn't so I stopped. And then dilly delly da da da then wanted to run but this time it was legit gonna pour so I didn't want and did blogilates instead! Then I went off for dinner and had korean food.

Well yeah, I honestly feel really comfortable with things now and I really don't wanna leave home. I'd have to leave by Friday. Honestly wish I could be here longer. I feel so relaxed and pleased with things and things have been really pleasent. The air here is really good as well and I get to walk my dog and stuff.

I honestly wish I could stay put at home for like 3 months straight. It has been a long time since I've stayed put at home :( But oh well.. I have lovely friends and family at KL as well!

Stop it!

I've been wanting to write about something/things that I relatively felt "strongly" about. Basically, I've been wanting to vent and rant on my peeves. Things that annoy me painfully. Things that make me want to roll my eye and cross my hands at the thought of it.

My day was good. It was really productive. And one thing I really love doing is running. Running outdoors especially. Where the air is fresh, and where your vision isn't just monotonous on a focused spot. You are actually able to move forward against the wind or against resistance. I love it so much.

Well, it looked as if it was going to pour, so I decided to change/convert my jog to a run incase it rained. So my speed was increased. The temperature of the atmosphere was amazing, it was cooling, and it was cloudy and the air smelled so gooooooooooood together with my newly downloaded music. Running felt so good today! 

During my last round of the run, my field of vision was the same except it was becoming blurred by...

SMOKE!

Open burning smack right infront of my face by one of my neighbours. Right there, the house on my right, I saw smoke, I saw fire, I could smell it even and feel it on my skin, Particles of ash. I increased my speed to avoid it and held my breath. I really do hate open burning. So, so, so, so much. Yes, I know it's going to pour and the rain will wash away whatever smell bla, bla, bla but that still isn't an excuse to allow yourself to burn yo shit openly.

It's so selfish. It's open, there are people around you and your freaking particles will seep through areas and it will affect your neighbours and the people around. Think before you act. What more! It totally spoils the pleasent atmosphere we do not get when it's hot and sunny and humid and stuff.

Sooo many other ways to dispose your rubbish, your dried leaves your whatever you're burning. I know it's the easy way out, but it won't be an easy way out once we can't breathe due to your contribution to painting the air with dirt. It sucks having to hold your breath, it sucks doing your daily activities with the smell of smoke rubbing you on the face.

Writing this post won't solve anything. I know. But I just want to rant and vent about this issue.

But it's like they know.. they know it isn't good. Well it keeps the flies and mosquitos away. But.. it's distraction. Social distraction.  

I just find it really inconsiderate and rude.

To the environment and to the people around you as well.

And your poor pets as well.

Ugh!

Back!

Hello all! I actually made a new blog with a new email address to start off a new thing but I decided not to and to just remain here. That's one thing about me, I can never put certain to one thing. I have tonnes of half written note books which were supposed to be "the one" or whatsapp usernames, or biodatas or perspective towards things in life. I'm constantly changing and evolving and rotating back and forth but that's what makes me me and makes me human!

I have been good today, which started half from yesterday!

Let's first talk about my trip back home. Going back to JB, it was obviously more humid and oxygenated me with cleaner air. But it felt so good and at the same time lost in place. Like where do I belong where do I long and I realized that I do belong at both places. Here and there! I tend to think too much.

Anyway, home was great, I managed to catch up, exchange conversations and just experiencing growth with friends. Building ourselves up, watching ourselves fall, picking ourselves up. It was really nourishing and it felt really good. Being with the people from home.

I felt down when I came back, and started reading and writing on lose paper, iphone notes a lot. Wrote poems after poems of feelings and profuse thoughts. They were good for that moment but took a toll on me.

I'm feeling so much better now! :)

Johor Bahru

My stay/visit home this time in particular has been really good and welcoming in so many ways. First day upon arriving here, I had the weird sense of belonging again.. like part of me was more to KL than to JB. And then I started meeting up with friends, and the people who I grew up with. People who made home, home and it felt lovely and I could feel the sense of contentment. And I am contented as I feel settled at KL as well as JB but at the same time, confused. But it feels really good.

It feels so good confiding in great friends, and knowing whats up, and exchanging life philosophies and sharing with people what you have learnt over strange and odd times.

"Yeah Zoe, I see you posting your philosophical stuff online. You and your sudden epiphanies."

And it's also great seeing good lovely close best friends change and grow as people. On how things have built them up over experiences, and it's so lovely catching up with growth and understanding. I feel nourished in a sense.

Home will always be home. I still feel unsettled to my sense of belonging as I have been neither here nor there. But I am taking in things for the moment :-)