Purple

I tend to blog when I'm feeling odd. Not sad, just odd. More like out of place. It's just that normal unsatisfactory feeling that everyone gets once in awhile. And blogging has become my source of solace . Besides God, family and my best friend. But well, I just feel like blogging tonight.

I am sleep deprived, and I'm sick, but I'm not doing anything about it and I don't know why. I miss writing poems, but sometimes I feel like I'm not sad enough, hence, I do not have the ability to do so, which is false. I don't know why, I tend to distract myself with myself too much.

I was an emotional, angsty, wreck last year who was probably controlled by hormones, that's why I was sad most of the time last year and wrote more poems, and did more things to make myself feel happy about myself. But I find happiness very easily now a days, because I'm accustomed and immune to so many feelings and thoughts from other people.

And I glad I am! :)

Anyway, I wrote this poem last year, which I found while I was clearing my room.

That's the name of the poem! And it goes like this (well, it's actually a story which has a poem in it, so I'll just type the poem down!)

"I have a purple unibrow."

"The row of fur above my eyelids,

below my forehead. Can you see it?

It's purples, It's in a row!

Would it make you go?

I hear screams and gasps when I show it,

Which is most of the time- and then I get timid-

Timid with my emotions like a sad fish in the seaweed,

I'm different and it's a task to which I have to deal with.

Some are fascinated with my unibrow,

It grows grapes when someone sees a rainbow,

Although my eyebrows grow purples in a row,

I sell the grapes to get some dough."

xx

Regret.

I cannot wait to get over this phase of regretting how I spend my time.

It might be a small deal but every night I am feel with guilt on how little time I think or feel I have put in studying.

I cannot wait for this phase to be over because it honestly isn't even good for my emotional health.

I might sound like a total drama queen right now. But I honestly cannot wait for this phase to be over.

To at least have a night where I sleep, satisfied with my studying productivity.
It's like mental self-inflicting pain that I love to endure every night, unconsciously enjoying it (hurting myself) but hating the fact that I am doing it.

I just feel that. I really have to do my parents justice. That's all.

La di la la

I'm having one of those nights where I am being very unappreciative towards my happiness and my satisfaction. I just feel like being sad and I guess it is somewhat comforting because I feel all deep and stuff.. I guess..

And I'm just scared that my studying isn't enough. And I really feel all sore eyes and I feel as though my spirits have been dragged down.

Is this sleep deprivation?

I don't know actually. I don't know why I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I don't know so many things about myself.

Well, tomorrow is a brand new day.
I hope I will spend it well to pay for satisfaction which I will reward myself. And feel happy. And satisfied.

I'm hoping. Come on Zoe!

I don't like you. I mean not in that way. But I always have the urge to talk to you. Only you. I need an explanation for this. Please. ~(•.•)~

Who?

I would like to be the girl who carries a camera around and takes whatever pictures she wants making and capturing the best out of it.

The one who knows what to write down in a journal as she travels.

The one who is able to describe things vividly.

I want to be a traveler wherever I go :)

But I don't know.. Let's see!

These pictures were taken from a magazine which my mum bought and I decided to collage it because I really enjoyed reading this article!

Thoughts and stuff!

I can't sleep when I should.

The mountains are on my left, full of life.
The ocean below my feet, as I look down.
What's the point on stopping from doing what you want?
There's so much to the world, their thoughts are the least.

I jumped of the cliff, and landed on impulse,
Against my body, the water wraps me.
I did it. It is done.
Their thoughts are the least.
I did what I want, with my thoughts at ease.

I look up above, the sky blanketing the earth-
Of soft clouds, falling down from above.
I feel water on my skin.
I move to the beat of the raindrops.
And then the sun appears.
It warms me with happiness just like the rain that washed away my tears.

I took one last breath, I intoxicated myself with sufficient euphoria,
I opened my eyes, which were recovering my thoughts from insomnia.

I open the door.
I look out and see.
Everyone's afraid.
Of who they should be.

Good night! :)

Like a circle, I contradict myself.

The fish oil nor the b complex are kicking in. Actually my whole nervous system in being an ass now. And also my thoughts.

It's something like this. I'll be studying and then I'll feel sleepy and then I'd want to sleep. So I lie down on bed and I take my phone and while I'm using my phone I then feel like I'm wasting time and maybe I'm not tired so I go back to study. But as I study, I get sleepy. And so I lie in/on (which one please help me if you want) bed (without touching my phone) and then I'd think "16 days left." and then I'd panic. And go to the table and study but I tell myself that I'm actually sleepy while also telling myself that I am not. I don't know. I wanna do well.

I don't even know whether I'm sleepy.. I'm so confused. It's like I study better when I'm chill and then when I'm too chilled I'd panic and everything will suck. So, I guess I need to chill.

But the thing is.. Being chill isn't good and I'm just going round a circle. And when you go round a circle, it never stops because there isn't a boarder for you to stop. It's just a circle going round and round and round.

It won't ever stop. And come to think of it. What am I even worrying about if I'm not gonna do anything about it.

I'm always contradicting myself and I like it somehow!

Btw my current whatsapp picture now :) isn't he cute?!? Alolo.

Keep calm and just do math

I was stuck with an add math question. Actually I was stuck with many. And so I decided to revise the topics of those questions. And I started feeling hot. And then I decided to do something else. So I did biology and then I started feeling like I didn't know anything which then made me feel hot again not that sexy hot I know how to do this bro but it was like the one you learn in bio fight or flight or whatever something like you panic and your heart beat starts increase..

So I'm doing math now. And I feel cool because I'm not panicking. Panicking is the worse!

I guess I'll continue my add math and bio later!

Why are you down and not up

I don't know why I just can't seem to shift my pictures as a start to my post when I use my phone. And I actually prefer how it looks with the pictures on top rather than below. Anyway, I am highly intoxicated by the coffee I had LAST night which made me sleep at 6am and I woke up at 8.30 and forced myself to snooze for an hour. and I had 3/4 and then 1/4 of the coffee which is equavilant to 1 and I spelt equivalent wrongly now I did it correctly. Ok it is equivalent to one because I spilled the 1/4 or maybe 1/2 of the one from the 3/4 all over my table and my notes smell all sweet and they look like old maps. And then I decided to make another cup of coffee but drink 1/4 of it but I only drank 1/2 of the 1/4 which is 1/8 so I actuallydkdkt didn't consume one whole coffee. But still, I got up till 6 and did add math until I felt like I don't know you know that feeling when you're tired and your body feels like its being pulled down by octopuses tentacles.. Just pulling you down. And then you try to escape I don't know and in my case, by doing add Maths. And then I got confused so I lied down and googled ways to sleep after consuming caffein. And here's a tip : think of nothing.

And I started to hear weird noises and I came out with : stacked paper falling. But I guess due to caffeine, and lack of b complex, my nerves were making me think that it could be a frog or a lizard or something scary messing with my notes. But I knew it wasn't so I was scared at the same time I wasn't. It's so hard to describe and I shouldnt waste time.

Anyway, I finished a whole book in a day! Not a story book but a doing wok book. Physics! And I felt good. Because it was raining and stuff. And then in proceeded to do some history notes and I had a banana and tried taking a picture of myself and a banana but it didn't make sense so I didn't save any. And then I had yoghurt while Watching x factor uk in my phone at the window because the weather was good.

Then I wrote my history notes. And then I went for a jog. And I would like to write more about my jog because it's interesting and it's like the climax of this post but I'm tired and sleep is important for someone who had only 3+ hours of it and my coffee is wearing out. School tomorrow school tomorrow . Can't believe there's so few days of it left. Gonna miss you babe yyyyy.

P/s this post title is to blogger. Why.

Hot as in heat.

Well, physics paper was okay today and I didn't know how to do some of the questions because they confused me. And then add math was okay but I didn't have time to complete it. And then moral was fine given the fact that I didn't memorize any values and therefore I'm gonna be immoral, based on my moral marks because I didn't memorize the values word by word. But it's okay I guess, I can't complain much because I can't do much about it. But I hope that they change the system soon because.. Really? Their seeing how much moral values you have by given marks? I mean. It's moral. It's the moral values you show. Not the moral values you memorize.

Well moral was fine, and the weather's pretty hot now! And I had Indian food for lunch, which made me feel fat and guilty and gross therefore I decided to walk home and it felt good (minus my urge to pee/drink water - it's a bad combo. Wanting to pee and drink.$ but I quickly drank water and went to the toilet.

And next I'd have to clean my room and then nap and then do math and history. They are both pretty alright subjects (since history is objective tomorrow, and I've been doing loads of math!) but we'll see how it goes. And I am gonna go for a jog later on. To feel better because my lunch was horrible.

Bye bye!
P/S : here are collages I did with my phone! I'll post more here if I'm free/ and if I'm free to do more! 8-)

All in the mind.

I just had a thought and I really really felt like writing it down. I mean I don't know who might read this. But I thought it would be nice to share my thoughts! 8-)

Okay so I was just thinking. Someone's happiness all comes from the state of someone's mind and how they think. As in happiness is their choice because they are their own individual and they actually can control how they feel by changing their thinking towards something.

And I was also thinking. Happiness is free, and so is sadness. But it is better to feel happy or positive towards something than sulking and wasting your precious time over something that is not worth your time! It's all part of forgetting what has happened, and accepting the things that had happened as the past and just move on and treasure the present. As in right now.

Secondly, people should think more positively about themselves than thinking/assuming the negative things people might think about them. Because at the end of the day, they are no one to judge because they have their life and we have ours so yeah. Everything is just one big cycle.

Well I know that there are days were we are sad for some reason. And I guess it is healthy too. To reflect on ourselves and to get over things and to
discover how we feel and our thoughts and stuff.

So yeah, maigad I feel like a freaking wikiHow to be happy or idk la bye

So this is it :

Start lymphatic system at 4.45 and see where I can finish at 6.

Then, at 6 I'm gonna do my pilates ^^ and then have dinner and shower again and finish all the tips I have.

And if I am done by midnight/still awake I will do past year's.

Guys, I'm feeling super high unmotivated and it's killing me. So I'm gonna take my time and just relax myself from being too unmotivated by posting some pictures and stuff like that.

I did pilates yesterday because my mum bought this 10 minute pilates work out thing a few years ago and he he he he he I enjoyed it I can feel my muscles aching 8-)

Okay so AFTER I blog, I am gonna go study. I don't know why but whenever I study I feel like I can't breathe and my room light is too dark (really!) although I have a table lamp so.. I'm gonna change it later.

I'm also gonna write notes :3 I have been writing notes though (USING RECYCLED PAPER OKAY!) And I guess I study better that way. And then I read somewhere that your studying improves by listening to classical music and it didn't work for me because instead of concentrating on my studying I was telling myself "you are supposed to concentrate" and concentrating on that.

Am I the only one here who finds it so difficult to just sit and read? And let what I read go in my head.

I can't believe that it's trials and I still feel.. nothing.

I screwed up badly for my last papers and it's pretty saddening :(

But anyway, okay, after this I'll be studying the Lymphatic System. I'm gonna make sure I'll be super proud of myself at the end of the day.

What la dei

Wow this is so cool I am everyhwere. Anyway, I decided to blog so that I would have the mood to study later! :) Whenever I read I just feel automatically sleepy and I know that it's in my head. Okay so I plan to read until chapter 7 today hopefully and then I'd be the happiest girl in the world. Okiedokies it's almost 11.

Okiedokie, actually this blog post is pretty pointless but nevermind.

Anyway, I'll come back later hopefully and I hope that the weather will do me justice today because I really wanna jog :D ZOE YOU CAN DO THIS. Last paper for trials. LAST.

Okay so I'm gonna keep myself up tonight I am gonna study my ass off and blog after this because there is so much going on in my mind. Hold on!

You know that feeling. When you're sleep deprived. And you feel sad. And you think of things that make you sad, instead of the ones that make you happy. And then you start comparing. And then you feel like you have been taken for granted. And you wonder whether people around you care. And then you try to stop yourself from thinking this way because it is so selfish. But right now I have to study. Don't worry, I'm not that upset. I mean this is just a phase. And I guess I need sleep.

+ Wants

Well firstly I would like to state that blazers and maxi skirts are amazing and needed in everyone's wardrobe that is why I really want a white and pink or floral blazer (I've always wanted pink though) and also maxi skirts, beautiful pastel colored ones. Actually, any maxi skirts, pleated or not. I mean they look good with things. And I also am into heels right now and I can't wait to earn myself money to buy them and stuff like that.

I just got up from my nap and I was contemplating whether or not to wake up but the weather's too good. And what made me wake up was the voice in my head telling me to study. And plus, I have tuition at 5 and I need to study before tuition too. And after tuition I'll be having a family barbecue at my house. I'm excited! Though, I really need to study. But I think that I can ask my cousins things and stuff. Because I'd feel really bad locking myself in my room and stuff. Studying..

And also, I'm pretty disappointed because I have been jogging for 3 weeks plus straight but I haven't had the time to these few days and I feel really horrible about it and I really hope that I won't stop it! I really feel good jogging and stuff like that. Makes me feel good about myself.

Lastly, I really want to do well for trials. It starts on Tuesday! And I really want to get good enough results. Mainly to make my parents proud of me. They have done so much for me and I mean the least I could do for them is to just sit, study, understand and get the A's right? Plus I must have discipline and stuff.

And lastly, I can't wait to go out after SPM to take more pictures. I miss taking pictures with my camera, editing them and posting them. Feeling proud of myself.

But right now, my only goal I have set in mind is SPM trials, and SPM. I really need to do well for my parents. I really want to do well. And I also know that I should do it for myself. To get into college and stuff like that. The future is just toooooo gooooood!

Okay I'm gonna wash my face and do some sit ups and study. Bye bye :)

+ I wonder how my brain works.

Hello everybody, this is a picture that I took when I visited London :)

And here are some pictures taken by me by Alfalfa the om-1 :)

I'm taking a break from studying right now and I just cant wait for all of this to be over. But I am obviously gonna miss it. School and stuff. I really can't wait for the time where I would have enough time and money for me to travel. For me to travel different places around the world. For me to gain knowledge. For me to broaden my mindset and for me to interpretate what I think from what I see. I mean, I've said this before but I'm already here. Situated on earth, and it would be such a pity to not be able to see all of it. I mean sometimes you just really wanna get out somewhere because, there is so much more than this and I don't know what this is. But you know.. But then again, with me being a super contradicting person (to myself) I must say that I really appreciate where I am today and the people I know and stuff like that. And I just can't wait to see what happens next. But I should just appreciate each day I have on earth. I'm just so blessed. And it's a shame that sometimes I don't see it. But deep inside, I know I am. 

xx

+Decisions, decisions.

Taken by my Olympus om-1 love you bb.

I'll post more soon!

Hello readers or people reading this or friends and family! Life has been okay so far, good I suppose! SPM is on it's way and I am obviously not looking forward to it at all.

I really don't know how to start a blog post properly anymore. Anyway, I was pretty sleep deprived last week especially during the weekend. Because on Friday after school I had tuition and then another tuition and then I went for Jacelyn's birthday surprise but she suspected ALOT OF THINGS HAHAHA and it was nice we went to the Roost yoghurt place :) HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY GURL.

 And then the next day I had the interact leadership thing and then that night Kavi had a birthday party! And omg I love esther's driving it's truly and adventure I told her "I feel like I'm gonna die, but I know that I'm not." my favourite driver ever. And then his birthday was fun! :D i enjoyed myself and then esther and mindy slept over mine and then we slept around 2+ and woke up at 8/9 to study (good girls) and went for breakfast at lavender and then walked to gianni's for lunch :3

 

ew i look gross here nvm this is real this is me.

                                      

And then after that esther came back to mine to study and stuff like that and whoah i love studying with esther it's the best. And then my parents got back home from KL and my sister bought me the loveliest dress ever in the whole entire world, THANK YOU!

And yeah, school on monday I can't really remember much of it actually.. I was late for assembly and I thought I was early and then I have been jogging alot now adays :) ok so monday I went to school, came home, helped with house chores, napped, got my pictures from my negatives (thank you sister for getting the negatives for me!) and then I uploaded the negatives up to my laptop! And then after that I did my add math hw and chemistry and went for a jog! and then I came home and had the most glorious dinner ever! here's a picture of it :

okay and then on tuesday I came home and did house chores again such as washing the dishes and hanging clothes and helping my mum pluck acelora from the acelora tree! then I napped for 20 mins and then went for a jog and it was good after one round this I said hi to this aunty and she said hi back then the second she smiled then the third she did a thumbs up and then the fourth she pretended not to see me because I guess she didnt know what to do anymore. and then I had tuition that night and after that I decided to stalk molly soda to traumatize myself.

Well, I didn't get to exercise today but I've been doing alot of bio today and I'm gonna continue after this -.- and I decided to go to UK after my spm instead of KL and I hope that I won't be too late..? It's sort of like a bittersweet feeling knowing that you're actually growing up!

+The Man By the Lake

As I lay down on my bed,
My eyes are shut and my ears are awake,
I listen to a song and then I think-
Of the man I saw by the lake.

A beautiful face that sung a beautiful melody,
Oh how I wish that I could be the notes sung in beauty.
And now he is just a memory that provided me solace,
With lyrics so beautiful you didn't want to leave that place.

I still can feel the wind dancing on my skin,
With accordance to the beautiful melody, there is a metaphorical festival.
If only everyday was like this,
If only you could feel love like this.
How great would the world be-
Listening to a melody to feel beauty.

I can't think of anything good night!

+Angst

This feeling is so rare it's that ugh slap slap slap you slap everyone's feeling but deep down inside you know you love them. I don't know. Omg hormones are so weird.

It's that sort of feeling that you start wondering and thinking and you ask yourself unnecessary things that is stupid and also stupid and well you ask yourself questions that would bring your mood down and I'm contradicting myself right now because it's like I know what I'm doing isn't healthy but I'm still doing it healthy as in for the mind not physically ok.

But then again, I'm pretty sure I won't dwell on this for long because I am bringing my dog for a walk later and I will feel better later and I gotta do Mae a blog post :3 FOR IT IS A BURFSTDAY TODAY AMAGAD.

+11.30

I took this picture few days ago :)

I was studying physics while FaceTiming Jasmine who was reading a story book and stuff. I'll continue reading my Physics after this. I had this sudden urge to blog out of a sudden. I don't know, it's therapeutic (to me la).

Anyway today was pretty productive and I hope it would be my last time going out on the weekend till trials! I woke up and washed my shoes likka true house gurl and then bathe Elvis the cutie pie and then took the rubbish out and then went for Dark Knight with Jiew Ann, Mindy and Esther and then went to PP with Diyana! :)

You know what I was thinking in the car, I was thinking of like you know in movies where the main character or someone blogs and they have something to blog about and you wish you could do that so you try it but in the end you have nothing/no topic to talk about. I don't know what I'm talking about la but I wish that I had a specific topic to blog about and stuff and then it'll look good like a pro chick.

And then also sometimes before I go to sleep I always have this weird OCD ADD thing that I recently told Halili about it's like I'll have this random line in my head with a random accent and I really have to say it out loud. I'll contemplate whether or not to say it out loud and I'll say it out loud a few times till I'm convinced. The other day it was : "I don't need slippers to go into the pool" in an Irish/Scottish accent I really don't know but is this normal? Yours faithful OCDC.

Waow what else. I don't know I haven't been taking pictures or writing poems and stuff over here for a long time. I've been pretty busy actually. SPM is so near amagad.

I feel like writing a poem right now! 

The light bulb, it is lighted, it is coated with heat.

Like two hearts that light up, and brightens when they meet.

Fathomless eyes that blinks with understanding,

Diving into each other souls, forgetting about everything.

How foolish they are, to fall like the autumn leaves,

Blinded by a feeling that stole away nothing.

There was nothing to gain nor receive from the start.

And now it was time for them to depart.

And just like that, their story ends,

Faster than the small waves hitting the sand,

The light bulb is fused, it is burnt.

Everyone is bound to get hurt.

I can't really write poems properly anymore idky :( good night!

I've got myself thinking.

I worry about the silliest most selfish things that I can ever think of. And then slap myself with a question ; "Is this even important/worth worrying about?" Many times I do wonder when will I grow up with my thoughts. With my perspective of life. But right now, I am glad that I know this.

+ What!

Has anyone ever experienced this moment or thought. The one where you just sit down looking at something and while looking at it, you're thinking about something and then you're also talking to people and then you think of something that suddenly occurs to you. It just happened to me. It just occurred to me that I am in form 5. I can't believe it. After so many years of being in school I am in form 5. And next year I won't be wearing this pinafore anymore. I wont see all my school friends in school any morning etc etc. None. I can't believe that I am going to the end of this phase soon and experience another step and phase in life. It's so weird when you think about it. It's kind of overwhelming. And I'm starting to get back and realize how it is important to treasure everything. :)

+ I guess so..

Okay, I guess if I stay up blogging then I might somehow make myself motivated to study? I am intoxicated by coffee at the moment. A few hours ago I was trying to sleep but failed miserably so I decided to switch on the laptop (it has been a long time) and blog. After this, I'm pretty sure I'll be motivated to study.

I really do not know what is wrong with me. Why can't I study? I mean it's not like I can but I distract myself too too easily which is not a good thing AT ALL! :( Every night I sleep regretting how I've not studied up to my expectations and I'll feel horrible and it's not a nice feeling.

So tonight, I'm gonna study. I told myself that I didn't want to get back my papers and tell myself "I could've done better if I had put in more effort." I really hope that I won't say that. I really do. This is my last mid-terms and oh my goodness gracious.

Anyway, I have loads to blog about like Esther's birthday and my dog but not right now because there's a lot to write about! Okay, after this I'm just gonna switch on my itunes, and study and pray that I won't get distracted by anything.

And I pray that I would be able to get up for church tomorrow. I cannot wait for all of this to end!

And these are pictures of my trying to camouflage myself within the zebra prints but obviously I fail la aiyok.

epepehepehe eehe e noob!

byebye

LOL

+ Welcome the sunrise!

I was just going through my old phone pictures and uploaded them to my laptop because my dad's gonna trade in my phone. My hair was so long + it was good because it hid my armpit fats. But now the time has come for me to work out and remove them which is good! :)

School was great! If I have time I'll continue later. But now, I've got to get my folio and math and other homework done! Good bye for now or brb or either one.

+ Crazy Weather

Hello everybody! I decided to do a new blog. Again :X but I'm gonna start blogging here and here only. I felt like my other blogs were too messy and stuff like that. So I decided to just create a new one and not mess around with html because it gets confusing, so this layout is directly from Blogger! :D

Anyway, I think I might start blogging daily since I can blog with my phone and I feel like by writing my day down and things that I've got to do, I can sort of be more organized like an organized woman. This is a first and I sort of like it. Well my day has been productive (study wise) and I feel like such a productive girl. I said in the car to my dad that I had a reproductive day. I always accidentally say that. Which reminds me! If you dream of teeth falling out, you have the urge to be pregnant.

And today at home I wanted to tell Mae that I had a correction tape shape of a chick and I accidentally said "I have an erection." I don't know how that came out. /.\

Anyway, school today was great and I had a great time. It feels good going back to class again. I'm very pleased with my class this year. And I enjoy school very much! We had math, and then history and then recess and then Bio and then we had the prefect watikah thingy.

I created a new k00l and hiP dance while chanting something but I remember my dance but I don't remember my chant/song aiyoh I must eat more ikan bilis and less sour things because apparently dried asam make you forget things.

Oh btw, I am almost done with my Add Math folio :> I stayed back in school with Mae and Shu Jin. We had lunch at the warung and then went to the library to study and do folio and we did it. So rare :') cz normally if there's one whole big group of us we'd be talking alotlaotlalotlalotlaot and I'm surprised we didnt talk as much. I think that we are women. Yes we are.

After finishing my Add Math folio, I'm gonna do Bio and read BM karangans I think, I don't know man or I might just finish Hunger games and then sleep. I haven't showered alamak ai.

Okay anyway these are things that I would like to do soon :

• Add songs to my phone. So sad having a phone with no songs sigh sigh sigh.
• I realized that I've finished up my roll of film so I would like to get the negatives.
• Finish tuition homework and school homework.
• I don't know what else lah see what happens.

Oh and I miss my old hair. And I gtg bye bye.

Blogger looks so different now!