I guess you really need to reach your lowest, in order to find strength to make progress or to be in a process of progression. Sunday was crazy. Like really crazy. Filled with frustration, confusion, anger, disappointment, and constant wondering, wandering, questioning and not being able to understand or grasp a matter of a fact or a fact of a matter or life being a matter or a matter being part of life. Or just wondering what. I. Am. Set. To. Do. Here?
Money being invested in education, being sent abroad, time, degree, doing what you love.. doing what matters.. Questioning myself "What do you really like? What are you enthusiastic about?" Me not knowing the answer.. And then me feeling like a phoney for the hobbies I enjoy. Me wishing and hoping that I had firing or burning passion in me on a certain/particular field since forever like some people I know, I've heard of, have watched, have listened to etc.
And lastly, but most importantly of the fact of the matter or the matter of the fact, me being sorry for myself for existing and being so blessed but not knowing what the fuck to do with it.
I asked myself questions that I have never asked myself before. I walked in gloomy frustration. Each step accompanied by kicking a metaphorical stone/rock/whatever. Each movement of muscles on my face forming a damn frown. Ugh. My name should've been Nancy or Judy then. (Negative Nancy/Judy Moody - if you're wondering) (no offence to any Nancy or Judy not that I know of any but that's how the saying goes....)
I guess people at a certain age go through this. Well for me, (I hope some people can relate to this because I hope that this would bring you comfort to know that you're not the only one depressed/frustrated/angry) I kept on questioning myself, "What the fuck are you doing with your life?" "What are you doing with the time and money being invested in your education?" "You don't seem to be bothered to be putting in any effort." (Hence, I look(ed) for excuses in my lack of effort, blaming what I think is the core for my unhappiness hence, lack of motivation to progress in life) "You're so privileged to be sent abroad and to have an education? Why is it that you just want to quit education?" "Is education for me? Do I want to be in this system?" "What the fuck does this even mean? Getting a degree in design?" "Am I gaining anything to nourish and contribute to the world?" "This world is temporary.. there's so many products.. do we need more?" "Do I deserve all of this if I am not even happy to begin with?" "Doesn't this unhappiness show injustice to your parents' sacrifices?" "Should I explain to my parents how I feel?" "Should I go with it?" "Why am I so depressed?" "Why do I hate every single angle of this scope at the moment?" "Why do I love to hate whatever right now?" ... the amount of questions were crazy. I know, I know, do not question things you can't answer. Do not ponder on them. But these questions do open doors for you.
It didn't feel right. I am a smiley girl in general. I always see the light somewhere. But this time it was all shit. I wanted to give up on education. I wanted to beg my parents to give me a year off to understand life (ugh, ew, cringe) and to know what I wanted to do. I was frustrated with the fact that time = money. Education is in the system. I was frustrated that as kids, we had so little exposure to know what we actually wanted to do. I was frustrated that as teens, straight out of a single filed high school education, we were to be put out in the world, get a higher education, I was frustrated that money and time became an obligation. This might sound off but.. I was frustrated that privilege became an obligation to show gratefulness (in my case). I felt that I didn't deserve education at the time being, I felt like it wasn't for me. I actually do not know what I want to do. Yes, I love design, but what if there are other things out there that I want to do?
So I thought, shit what if I wanted to do law? But I couldn't see myself. The vision of me studying/practising law made me feel like I was abandoning myself. It did not fit. And then I thought, what if I didn't want to do anything? What if I wanted to take up odd jobs and find my way up, on my own, out of the damn system. Why can't I just be a free spirited leaf?
I made a call to my parents, it was the best slap on the face I've ever got!
But yeah during the phone call,we argued, our voices raised. No one understood how I felt. But I felt/ I knew that my mind expands and then contracts. I knew that people forget that you are you. People forget that if one of past experiences has never felt that way, you shouldn't. They forget that even in the same "experience" different individuals go through them differently. And they question to why you feel that way. And you sigh, with a silent dialog "
how the fuck would I know! that's why I'm a mess, that's why I'm screaming in frustration. because I do not know. And even the reasons I give would be excuses." Sometimes, you don't know, you cant form sentences or words to express/explain. But given time, given 5 months. You roughly know in your guts why. But you just cannot explain. It's like when a baby cry and you're so flustered. That was how both of us felt at that time.
But the slap was such a great wake up call (yet again) of the same thing that I always forget. I couldn't neglect education. They've done so much for me, too much! And they want nothing more than for me to be able to support myself. My parents are the best. I swear, they've put up with tonnes of shit from us kids. I hope my siblings do see that as well. But yeah, they're the best. And whilst speaking to them, I felt uneasy. I should invest their investment in my education to do something worth while in the long run, I should make it worth for them, and for me. I need to do it. It's a task. It's an obligatory task.
I had to bring my parents' justice. They've done too much for me.
I am going to cut long story short because...... I'm really sleepy and I wanna finish this post before I sleep!
All in all, it came down to a conclusion, to never settle for less if you feel that you can do more. If you feel like you want to take up something to fulfill your time and energy with, go for it. If you want to see progress in your life, you've just got to really work for/ on it. Drive your way up to it in full speed. Challenge yourself. It's like completing a run/ completing a workout circuit. It sucks but the end product feels bloody good. I can't wait to reach it, really. Whatever the end product is. But then again, even though the end product feels
bloody good, it's actually the faith in it that'll make it bloody good. And besides, I don't think I will ever "reach the goal" because the progress on achieving it is going to be so exciting, that I just want to constantly progress! I'll be more satisfied with the feeling of progression rather than the goal itself. But the goal will keep you going. But all in all, always master the things that you know you are capable of handling. Pick up something in par with your drive. Nourish yourself to gain enthusiasm.
It's tough, and it's easier said than done. But yay! Something to work on, and some sacrifices to put myself in to. Still finding what I love, really. But I gotta do what I've set myself to do this year. Whatever changes I make, I promise myself to not be scared. For in this life, I want to do well, I want to fulfill my capabilities, I want to make mum and dad proud. I just really want to make everything worth it!
It takes time, it takes time. It sounds like a really ambitious post. But yeah, an advice is in whatever you do, humble yourself, be enthusiastic about your life and goals, go big and bold, try to be confident along the way, (confidence is scaryyyyy) but always have faith on the greater things in life. If you can't see it at the moment, know that it is somewhere in you. It's just waiting for you to gain the strength or vision to look for it.
I believe you can! I am in the process of doing so!
Nanight x
