I wish I could be massively passionate about something and I guess many people do have the trouble with this. Not that it's a trouble or a struggle. But I honestly am amazed by people who fan-girl/are passionate about something and constantly/have vast knowledge on a certain thing and it excites me. Yeah I do like things, there are things I like. But I don't find substance in myself. I feel like a phoney.

I don't get it.

P4U

Decided to sort out my laptop and clear unwanted nonsense and look! I found old pictures of the pau's my mama made. Mmmm I've missed them so much. It's basically pork pieces wrapped up with (TLC aka tender lovin' care) in bunzzzz. So good! Yeah and Imrah finally sent me the whole master collection and tadaaaa I have photoshop! And I had free time so why not edit some old pictures :-) I enjoy playing around with curves but it sucks when you're an indecisive bitch because it's so hard to decide which or what you prefer but it was fun and therapeutic I guess. I miss mum's cooking as well! I'm gonna try to crack illustrator in a bit (wow sounds like it's such a hugeee task) but yeah!

Okay gonna see what else I can do to increase excitement in my life. But this was pretty exciting I guess. Tata for now. P/S I loveee cashewwww nutsssss.

Or maybeee I should learn how to play about with html codes!!

Progress

I think one thing that I really miss, or enjoy in life is progress. That unexpected journey to reaching a goal. You can't see the goal but you can feel it and have that faith that you'll eventually reach it. You never know where the end is because you're on a constant strive (integrated with habit). And I guess what I want to do to actually feel content, or to see the light is to have one goal. Aside from what's happening in life and to research, impliment and work on it day to day.

But what should that goal be?

I am taking example on my weight loss process and how my determination has really did shape me in a certain way! I am happy that I still eat relatively healthy and have a relatively balanced diet lol and do find time to exercise and keep that whole daily or weekly habit going!

But that has been when I was 17. And I am still in the process of it. But now, at the age of 19/20 what excites me? What do I want to pursue? What do I want to fan girl about? What do I want to observe about? What field is it that I want to feel excited about? (this sentence sounds/feels weird) but you get me!

What change do I want in my life, in my well being?

I guess what I want to start doing is to write. Maybe try writing short stories? Mataphore (I spelt it wrong again). But yeah! Maybe that! Write everyday. And also finish a book in a month/2 weeks. Come one Zoe!

And get a toned belly.

Okay gonna get on it now!

Gonna lie down, listen to tunes, get my workout gear, shower, read a book and write :-) tata!
I just want to start fan girling about something again!

OH AND USE LESS OF THE DAMN INTERWEBZzzZzZz.

Damn.

I feel like I do not know what to do besides listening to music. I need to sort my life out right now. It sucks you know, when you feel like there's so much that you can offer and that there's so much that things can offer to you. But you're just bitter towards yourself and the things around you. You just do not know where to face, really. Your mind is cluttered and your conscience is vague, blurred and full of self doubt. I fucking hate how everything in my mind feels like a blur. How my insides is a mash of things rather than an organised book shelf, an organised closet, an organised diary. My insides are boxes, piled with shit in each and one of them. Picking the things out at random to try suit my mood. Or vice versa.. whatever that means.. whatever.

I'm still confused about that whole changing of university thingy to be honest. I'm scared. Where do I live? What if I don't make friends? What if I'm outcasted? Since I always assume or think that I have been so bruised by my well-being here. But dig in deep, I know that it's bullshit. I am stronger than the things that I think pull me down. I am stronger than the variables and the factors that make me sad. I know that for a fact. But it's always so easy being sorry and afraid of yourself. I'm so blessed with the people and friends I've met and made here. But I believe in an environment in nourishing you and inspiring you. What you're set to do. The internet can only do so much, but the internet is a bloody black hole of reality away from reality. It's an escape from reality into watching the realities of others.

I have caught myself wondering what the fuck am I actually doing with my life. I think about it. I am blessed to have an education as any blessed child is. I am brought to a different country to get exposure and to gain experience (it is an experience alright) and all experiences are different. I have and should do well in university to make it worth while and I should spend my time on what I am put here to do. And I should like what I am doing because I chose it and because I think I like it. Like they say, life is short. Do what you want to do. But my god "do what you want to do"..? that's limitation right there. That's panic for me. If I were to do what I wanted to do.. I wouldn't even know what I would wanna do. Actually I would, I would like to try surfing and also mountain climbing and make a living out of it. I would like to do bloody art therapy and find out of aliens exists. I would like to scare the shit out of myself by scuba diving deeeeep into the ocean. But they say that "you can do that ones your degree is over. once you've earned your money." and that's true to a certain extend.

But do I really? Should I go through this again? I feel like I've grown to be so lazy.. so lazy to explore the possibilities of things being able to be picked up and learn and to nurture myself in because I search for easy escape like listening to music, drawing, running, watching shows. Time for yourself is good because you actually find things to nurture yourself and find things that you enjoy doing but what if it's not what you're supposed to do? But then again, what if, it is because that's the way you are? I don't know, I feel like I have this big pile of life wanting to vomit out from me but I'm just too afraid to mess myself up and to clean the mess I've made. If that makes sense.

Education is a fucking scam. I hate it when money is involved. Money is good but it's also obligation because it comes to "worth" it comes to being "fortunate" and it is, it really is. And when you're fortunate, you have to show gratitude.

All in all, I am a confused 19 year old wanting to do nothing but walk.

I honestly feel like I have to take a huge tablet or bottle of vitamin D to actually add happiness to myself. But is it because of the lack of it?

But damn, shit, fuck. 3-4 months of feeling like shit most of the time is making me go crazy. How do I breathe each day.

the day went by too fast

My brother is right.

"People are stupid when they complain about something other than injustice. That's a fact."
"Injustice in general terms?"
"In general. Can you complain about the colour of your shirt? You can. But it makes you stupid. Because you have a shirt. You complain about injustice because it concerns a greater understanding of existence. If you see a child having no food. That is injustice. If you see that someone has created art that is true and honest but he/she isn't popular and because of that doesn't get recognised, you give that recognition. You make it something Because as human beings, we ought to be concerned about injustice. If you have power over it. You shouldn't complain about it. None of us are perfect and we will complain about it. But keep that in mind."

He probably saved my mind and life by feeding me with wisdom of great thoughts. I have been living in my own shadow while waiting for my body to rise into existence and I guess it is time to do so. Obstacles puts the life in living. Death is easy, death is simple and death is pathetic. And by death I mean the want to die and leave earth. But pain, pain is strength, pain is determination pain is a sensation. A sense of living and a living sense.

If you ate a lot of food, and complain about eating too much and feeling fat, slap yourself. Why? You should know why!
If your closet is full of clothes, and you're complaining that the closet is too small/you have too much of clothing, slap yourself.

In general terms, if you're privileged, blessed and loved and have formed obstacles by your own works, change and alter whatever needs to be altered. If it's laid right in front of you in open arms, you have every right to use or abuse it.

superficiality / easy excess / intentions / existence / gratitude < a few things to focus on for nourishment in this growth phase.

Happy 2015!