Upon arriving to a new place, to write and live this new chapter of my life. It has made me feel and realise change. And I believe that the change I feel is what change means, it's neither good, nor bad, you feel so uneasy but at the same time okay. You're just at that awkward, unsettled, but everything seems okay when you think about it - phase.
To start it off, leaving Malaysia - especially that whole last week, was so nerve wrecking. I didn't feel ready, it felt so foreign and it only made me realize how much I've grown into loving my country and the people in it. I have grown in love with the warmth, the food and the familiarity of it and said to dad, "I feel like this is the end." to which he replied with a laugh and then said, "it's only the beginning." and leaving denial aside, it is true! It's only the beginning to independence. And independence means being strong, being able to handle things with your own hands, being able to be the one to wipe your own tears when you cry, being the one to seek out what you need, and to remove what you don't.
And I just recieved a text from my mother saying "Okay my baby is all grown up and should be able to handle any obstacles right?"
I am not going to lie, this place is dead. And there's nothing much going on at all. But I have learnt not to complain but to embrace the goodness of this place. And tell myself that I am nothing but blessed to be where I am right now. It's time to put things into perspective, time for it to fit this cup that my parents have lovingly created for me to pour myself in to, so I can pour all that I can offer with love and good intentions in return.
It is hard. It really is. I wasn't one to always be in my room most of the time. I always had the urge to go out. but I've realized that coming here, I find peace and calmness by just being in my room, lying on my bed watching the clouds go by with tunes painting the air I breathe. I believe that it has become a blessing, something that I really need and haven't nurtured myself to do. It has given me time to think consciously and I believe that it is all how my growth is supposed to be. Independent, and realisation.
There are days where I cry in bed. Sob even. Days where I am happy. I have learnt to live my days, by the day. I have learnt not to wish I was anywhere but here (or still am learning).
But one thing I have learnt is to be strong and independent.
One thing that I want to work on now is to move my concentration to the sole purpose to why I am here now which is for my education. And to nurture and do well in it and not lose inspiration to this beautiful world of design. To look at the bigger picture and make myself, mum and dad and people proud of me. To know that all the hard work they've put up for me has been worth it and so that I can return them their love and kindness.
It takes time. Growth is happiness.. Growth is happiness.
And change is growth. This is such a huge lesson, and lessons sucks. But it brings good. Amen!
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