Slowly waking up.

I lie in bed, I walk in wonder, I wander in a wonder, I wonder in a wander. I am present in a dream, I am present in reality. I am absent in nothingness, I am present in plenty. Whoah.. Where am I? I know where I am. But why don't I feel myself? I can smell, breathe, touch, taste, listen. But the stimulations I get are from somewhere else.

You appreciate the warmth of the sun, you appreciate the warmth of the souls. You think of the could've beens - but they are the could've beens because it wasn't done when I was there, present. You wish and hope and miss only when you're away. You feel like you weren't ready. But then again, when are we ever ready? A given certificate, a bought plain ticket. A step into a new place.. It wouldn't necessary mean that you were ready.

"Ready.. Set.. Go!"
But you actually are. Time was there, and time was given. Decisions were made, and blessings were given.

I watch myself cry (or more like gasps for air) but still, those cries are the given water for growth, nourishment and strength to my surroundings, environment and self. Those cries were needed even though I felt like the present was a bad, bad dream.

I honestly don't understand what I'm going through. But at the same time, I know that good things are yet to come. Things suck, things are confusing, but I'm holding my breath, and biting my tongue, I'm clenching my fist, my muscles are tense.. Good things are yet to come. *exhale*

-

Throwback to Wednesday, when I just felt really hollow. And when the weather and vitamin D wasn't there to infuse me with goodness. I started crying like I have never before. I couldn't breathe and I was helpless with my emotions. They were ooooozing out of me profusely. What the hell is going on?

And I cried, and cried and cried.

I wouldn't call myself "religious" or a "good christian" because I never did ever think or care what a "christian life" or a "good christian" is supposed to be (more of that another time!) My faith is personal and all I know was that He was and is there to comfort me, and to also subconsciously, infuse me with good intentions because my God is so full of TLC! and so righteous!

"You don't have to look at the bigger picture. But you can always draw the bigger picture."
"You probably weren't ready to leave the nest. But you could learn how to fly now."

One step at a time Zoe, take a deep breath, good things are yet to come. They are.

Time to read on Pop Art now.

Giving myself a chance.

Upon arriving to a new place, to write and live this new chapter of my life. It has made me feel and realise change. And I believe that the change I feel is what change means, it's neither good, nor bad, you feel so uneasy but at the same time okay. You're just at that awkward, unsettled, but everything seems okay when you think about it - phase.

To start it off, leaving Malaysia - especially that whole last week, was so nerve wrecking. I didn't feel ready, it felt so foreign and it only made me realize how much I've grown into loving my country and the people in it. I have grown in love with the warmth, the food and the familiarity of it and said to dad, "I feel like this is the end." to which he replied with a laugh and then said, "it's only the beginning." and leaving denial aside, it is true! It's only the beginning to independence. And independence means being strong, being able to handle things with your own hands, being able to be the one to wipe your own tears when you cry, being the one to seek out what you need, and to remove what you don't.

And I just recieved a text from my mother saying "Okay my baby is all grown up and should be able to handle any obstacles right?"

I am not going to lie, this place is dead. And there's nothing much going on at all. But I have learnt not to complain but to embrace the goodness of this place. And tell myself that I am nothing but blessed to be where I am right now. It's time to put things into perspective, time for it to fit this cup that my parents have lovingly created for me to pour myself in to, so I can pour all that I can offer with love and good intentions in return.

It is hard. It really is. I wasn't one to always be in my room most of the time. I always had the urge to go out. but I've realized that coming here, I find peace and calmness by just being in my room, lying on my bed watching the clouds go by with tunes painting the air I breathe. I believe that it has become a blessing, something that I really need and haven't nurtured myself to do. It has given me time to think consciously and I believe that it is all how my growth is supposed to be. Independent, and realisation.

There are days where I cry in bed. Sob even. Days where I am happy. I have learnt to live my days, by the day. I have learnt not to wish I was anywhere but here (or still am learning).

But one thing I have learnt is to be strong and independent.

One thing that I want to work on now is to move my concentration to the sole purpose to why I am here now which is for my education. And to nurture and do well in it and not lose inspiration to this beautiful world of design. To look at the bigger picture and make myself, mum and dad and people proud of me. To know that all the hard work they've put up for me has been worth it and so that I can return them their love and kindness.

It takes time. Growth is happiness.. Growth is happiness.
And change is growth. This is such a huge lesson, and lessons sucks. But it brings good. Amen!