Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Monday, June 29, 2015
Thoughts of a 20 year old wtf lol
You know sometimes when you're filled with so much of feelings and thoughts and they fucking intertwine with each other and you have no escape but the only escape is a hope that you'll disappear. Not die. But just disappear for a split second to let go of these thoughts and feelings and feel nothing for the sake of your sanity.
But that's how life is. You can't fucking disappear. Even if you want to run away even if you want to do something impulsively, you can never disappear. You are what you make things out to be. Your thoughts are not you but an extension of you. What are we? What are we as individuals? Why are we put on this earth, in this life, why do we breathe, why do we feel why the fuck are we so much but at the same time we feel so little when we feel so much? It's like we feel and think more than what we actually are and the only way to actually BE is to make ourselves bigger than what we think we are if that makes sense.
Things have been crazy ever since coming back here to Malaysia. Emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Things really have been going crazy I guess but.. this is life as it is. Experiences, learning... etc etc etc. Everyone has to go through it sooner or later right? And as you go through life you realize like shit.. I'm in this on my own. All of the experiences I put myself in is all my own will. It's all with my will power and how I want myself to be. Well I mean God is there, and we have His way that we can follow. But we are sinners, and sometimes we dwell on our own intuition rather than what we think or know what God knows is right. Therefore we are sinners, and sometimes we bring ourselves into shit situation needed as lessons for this life. We just do. And then we have to understand how the fuck to get out.
And it's fucking tough to get out at times. Sorry I just like using the f word to emphasize on things. Don't mean to be vulgar but it's nice having your own space to swearrr FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCKKKKK. HAAAA.
Anyway yeah, I had a talk with my younger cousin today after dinner (bless her she's so wise haih) and she was just adivising me on how as individuals we need to learn how to embrace having time alone. Just completely alone, not hoping or knowing that anyone is there but just relying on your own company. Because when you think about it. It's just you. It's you. It makes sense.
I view myself as this.. I don't know if you guys do but I view myself as this..
But that's how life is. You can't fucking disappear. Even if you want to run away even if you want to do something impulsively, you can never disappear. You are what you make things out to be. Your thoughts are not you but an extension of you. What are we? What are we as individuals? Why are we put on this earth, in this life, why do we breathe, why do we feel why the fuck are we so much but at the same time we feel so little when we feel so much? It's like we feel and think more than what we actually are and the only way to actually BE is to make ourselves bigger than what we think we are if that makes sense.
Things have been crazy ever since coming back here to Malaysia. Emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Things really have been going crazy I guess but.. this is life as it is. Experiences, learning... etc etc etc. Everyone has to go through it sooner or later right? And as you go through life you realize like shit.. I'm in this on my own. All of the experiences I put myself in is all my own will. It's all with my will power and how I want myself to be. Well I mean God is there, and we have His way that we can follow. But we are sinners, and sometimes we dwell on our own intuition rather than what we think or know what God knows is right. Therefore we are sinners, and sometimes we bring ourselves into shit situation needed as lessons for this life. We just do. And then we have to understand how the fuck to get out.
And it's fucking tough to get out at times. Sorry I just like using the f word to emphasize on things. Don't mean to be vulgar but it's nice having your own space to swearrr FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCKKKKK. HAAAA.
Anyway yeah, I had a talk with my younger cousin today after dinner (bless her she's so wise haih) and she was just adivising me on how as individuals we need to learn how to embrace having time alone. Just completely alone, not hoping or knowing that anyone is there but just relying on your own company. Because when you think about it. It's just you. It's you. It makes sense.
I view myself as this.. I don't know if you guys do but I view myself as this..
We are there, I am here and those are the things around me. Those are the things that shape me to be me and also the things that alter how I think and feel about things. I'm complicating myself now.. Hahaha.
But anyway, what she told me or what I'm trying to convey is that. There are people in your life. You meet people, and they make you feel a certain way. They leave a piece of themselves with you. You collect them. And sometimes, you also do lose yourself along the way. And when you lose people, or how things were, you also lose part of yourself. And when you do, you feel loss. But do not fret! Because, that is when you should or I should learn on how to love myself and love my own company and not hope for someone to give all their loving for me. It's when you learn how to be selfish for the sake of not getting hurt. And that is when you learn how to be okay on your own. Not hoping anything from anyone because what you are giving yourself is enough. And at the end, you won't feel hurt. Because you've grown a fucking beautiful forest in your heart with the prettiest flowers and the most amazing insects and you have nothing to lose. And you know that whatever it is, you have your heart with you. And you have your soul with you. And when you lose yourself, you know that you love yourself enough to build it up again, to remove the weeds, to remove the thorns.
You don't become numb to things but you become immune to things. Weird how everything is a metaphor. I don't really remember my bio. But like something to do with you get the disease and you get sick for the first time (something to do with antibodies) and then after that you'll be strong and immune to the disease cz you've dealt with it and overcome it and it wont affect you no more.
And I guess that's how life is when shit happens to you. You react things from previous experiences and you're just immune. Yeah you do feel, but you're immune.
Right now all I gotta do is like my brother told me, is to be hopeful for the wider and broader things in life. Be hopeful that I'll be fucking successful. Be hopeful that I'll do well in life. Be hopeful that I'll be fucking fit and healthy. Be hopeful for the things beyond. Be hopeful that I will meet people that will expand my mind. And be hopeful that I'll find the medium and groove for my soul to embrace what I stand for and what I do.
I guess when you're hopeful for things beyond, you start becoming content. It's very important to be your beyond. And to work on your beyond.
I want to love myself so much (in a non narcistic way of course) till I am able to grab hold of peace in my darkest days.
xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo
Friday, June 12, 2015
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Hello all! It has been awhile hasn't it? Anyway! A slight update on what has been happening etc etc etc.. tbh I don't really have a structure on what I really want to talk about but yeah. I guess I'll just talk about whatever really! My laptop's so dirty.. it's gross. One thing about me I keep nonsense in my laptop.. I never update it.. yeah. If my laptop was a wardrobe (it techincally is) it'll be disgusting. It already is. It's starting to bug me now :-(
Anyhoooooo I went to London yesterday with Kristina and Matthew (her boy) and it was nice and pretty chill! I enjoyed it. I had a pretty shit day before because someone called me useless. It was my uni's technician/helper and I wanted a brush but I wasn't specific cz I obviously wasnt thinking. And he was all like *shrug* *rolls eyes* what width do you want? then i was like show them to me son (in a nice way) then he showed me one all slouchy shouldered then I said "that's perfect! that will do" then he was all shrugy and was like "a pound and u get to keep it" then i was like "oh okay but i dont have my wallet with me it's in the studio" then he put his hands up and shook his head as if i did such a cRIME TO NOT BRING MY WALLET CZ I THOUGHT THAT I COULD BORROW A BRUSH and he was like "Useless"
and then I responded with "I can go back to the studio and take the money. it's no big deal. is that okay? and i'm not useless don't call me useless." And seriously people, a word really can affect someone. Or just your attitude. Like people are so oblivious by how words and attitude can really ruin someone's day. Like my day was ruined by that. Number 1, no one should ever be called useless. Ever. Let alone in a working environment? He got his fucking pound anyway and I hope he had a good day. but hell that was fucking frustrating and such a joy kill when you're in uni wanting to do your work and then getting called "useless" might sound like no big deal but when it's said right to your face especially by soeone who is supposedly supposed to help you out, you honestly feel so taken a back and like "did i do anything wrong?" but people when things like these happen to you remember it's not you. it's just the other person having a bad day and being a sonofagun trying to spread disguting aura to u. so shake it off. it affected me tho. but shrug whatever.
what i wanna say is, if anyone calls u anything or anything, and if it annoys you. it only shows you that you're not what that person is saying. it shows that it's not true. it show's that that person is lying about you to you. and hence, you get annoyed! theory!
Okay aside from thattttttt, London was great. I had to do work but my mum was like go to london have a break and get your mind of it. :-) and so I did! I went to saatchi gallery first! I walked there from victoria and then after that Holborn to meet Kristina and Matt then we went to this like huntarian museum gallery where there were preserved/dead bodies we watched videos of surgeries and they were so painful oh hell. Then we went to New London Architecture mUSEUM which got me hella excited on architecture!!! Then we got snacks and tubed to a park and chilled and got greeted by so many dogs. The cutest things ever. Can't wait to meet Otis and visit Elvis' grave.
Then we got backkkk and then my housemates called me from the kitchen and chilled with them for abit then etc etc etc yahhhh it was a good friday! I'm just chilling now. Gonna go Morrisons with Pritika in abit!!
Anyway, I've got to do a few things
1. get boxes for moving
2. finish my damn product
3. think of how im gonna head to the airport
19 DAYS TILL HOME WTF.
Anyhoooooo I went to London yesterday with Kristina and Matthew (her boy) and it was nice and pretty chill! I enjoyed it. I had a pretty shit day before because someone called me useless. It was my uni's technician/helper and I wanted a brush but I wasn't specific cz I obviously wasnt thinking. And he was all like *shrug* *rolls eyes* what width do you want? then i was like show them to me son (in a nice way) then he showed me one all slouchy shouldered then I said "that's perfect! that will do" then he was all shrugy and was like "a pound and u get to keep it" then i was like "oh okay but i dont have my wallet with me it's in the studio" then he put his hands up and shook his head as if i did such a cRIME TO NOT BRING MY WALLET CZ I THOUGHT THAT I COULD BORROW A BRUSH and he was like "Useless"
and then I responded with "I can go back to the studio and take the money. it's no big deal. is that okay? and i'm not useless don't call me useless." And seriously people, a word really can affect someone. Or just your attitude. Like people are so oblivious by how words and attitude can really ruin someone's day. Like my day was ruined by that. Number 1, no one should ever be called useless. Ever. Let alone in a working environment? He got his fucking pound anyway and I hope he had a good day. but hell that was fucking frustrating and such a joy kill when you're in uni wanting to do your work and then getting called "useless" might sound like no big deal but when it's said right to your face especially by soeone who is supposedly supposed to help you out, you honestly feel so taken a back and like "did i do anything wrong?" but people when things like these happen to you remember it's not you. it's just the other person having a bad day and being a sonofagun trying to spread disguting aura to u. so shake it off. it affected me tho. but shrug whatever.
what i wanna say is, if anyone calls u anything or anything, and if it annoys you. it only shows you that you're not what that person is saying. it shows that it's not true. it show's that that person is lying about you to you. and hence, you get annoyed! theory!
Okay aside from thattttttt, London was great. I had to do work but my mum was like go to london have a break and get your mind of it. :-) and so I did! I went to saatchi gallery first! I walked there from victoria and then after that Holborn to meet Kristina and Matt then we went to this like huntarian museum gallery where there were preserved/dead bodies we watched videos of surgeries and they were so painful oh hell. Then we went to New London Architecture mUSEUM which got me hella excited on architecture!!! Then we got snacks and tubed to a park and chilled and got greeted by so many dogs. The cutest things ever. Can't wait to meet Otis and visit Elvis' grave.
Then we got backkkk and then my housemates called me from the kitchen and chilled with them for abit then etc etc etc yahhhh it was a good friday! I'm just chilling now. Gonna go Morrisons with Pritika in abit!!
Anyway, I've got to do a few things
1. get boxes for moving
2. finish my damn product
3. think of how im gonna head to the airport
19 DAYS TILL HOME WTF.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Margines
This'll be a short post! Anyway I think I'm hangover.. or maybe still a lil tipsy? I don't know how does alchohol digest in your body or how to remove it. I would go for a run but I've been running/working out too much that my muscles need to rest. Anyway yeah I went dancing last night! It went by pretty fast. Pritika had fun! But tbh everytime i go clubbing, and when i'm there I always wonder why I bother to go in the first place lol but it's ok!
Anyway, I wanna write the things that I am hella excited/looking forward to!
1. Finishing my project (I can't wait to get this done and over with to see the end product)
2. Packing my stuff up from this place!
3. GOING HOME MY GOD.
4. Seeing people from home :-)
5. Meeting Otis
6. Talking to Elvis' at his grave at the backyard
7. Going for a swim
8. Going for a run back home
9. Starting my architectural degree and feeling rather more excited than scared
10. Getting abs lol
I don't know I guess that's about it I'm kinda brain dead and I need to do my presentation! But I enjoy doing presentations so yay B-) Bye
Saturday, April 11, 2015
coloured paper prunes
HIIIIII so easter break is almost over and I finally bought this yellow hoodie that ive been wanting. I can't stand the smell of new clothes tho blergh! Anyway this easter break has been good so far! I went to Paris :-) pictures are on facebook and it was great! Then did nothing much but chilled and visited friends @ London. And my parents got a new bull terrier puppy that I can't wait to meet!! 39 days!!! I haven't done any work so I've got to do it after I shower. Okay good bye this is kinda pointless. I just really tbh wanted to pose with my jacket btw im wearing my workout clothes underneath so ya and ya I just had dinner so pointless omg this post but i NEEDA START ON MY LIGHTING PROJECT YIKES WE'VE GOTTA PRESENT IT TO THE LIGHTING COMPANy.
Quote Kristina "the yellow hoodie is very you" thank u thank u
Thursday, March 26, 2015
I can't wait to go back home. Everything around me feels like an uneasy, haunted dream of unstability that I can't wait to get out of. I don't see myself progressing around here. And with that, I don't have the drive or motivation driven by inspiration to make me want to fulfil things or be better.
It's just shit.
I repeat, shit.
It's just shit.
I repeat, shit.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Faith
My name was supposed to be Faith but it got switched to Zoe. I like the name Zoe a lot actually. The fact that it starts with a Z and has only 3 letters. Saves me hellalot of time.. and I like the zig zag of it. Zig zag zoe lol. Anyway yeah, I guess I just feel like writing/talking about faith.
I was just thinking that our whole existence here on earth is nothing more but a test on our faith. In terms of the after life, having faith that you'll go to heaven or hell or just be nothing and from that faith, you work your way in life through values and goals. And goals! You have to have faith that you can reach your goal and that you can do it. Believe to have faith in it. I guess faith is a blind believe that you have to hold on to.
It's a humble approach on being right. Because, there isn't physical prove, but the faith in you knows that there is. And it's such a lovely thing to feel!
I was just thinking that our whole existence here on earth is nothing more but a test on our faith. In terms of the after life, having faith that you'll go to heaven or hell or just be nothing and from that faith, you work your way in life through values and goals. And goals! You have to have faith that you can reach your goal and that you can do it. Believe to have faith in it. I guess faith is a blind believe that you have to hold on to.
It's a humble approach on being right. Because, there isn't physical prove, but the faith in you knows that there is. And it's such a lovely thing to feel!
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Hustle hustel
I was spzzing out and having a damn panic attack last night because of my essay. But I hope and pray that things would be better this morning. My brain works so oddly and I can't stand it sometimes. It takes a lot of training to have a sane or is it saint mind.
Anyway, so I just had breakfast after my workout and shower this morning. No more coffee though :-( but I guess des guud. I woke up, did 30 minute of workout and 20 minutes of yoga and then showered and then had toast with egg, marmite (i love dat black stuff) and avocads, and pumpernickle with pb, dark choc, banana, sprinkled some coffee and cinnamon and then had bowls of cereal with my oat milk :-) lovely!
So yeah, I'm gonna attempt to start my essay soon. TBH I feel quite shit cz I feel like my life is so routinized but I guess people go through this phase. You know the feeling like "am I living life enough/as I should?" "am I stopping myself form stuff?" and you don't know if you are or not. damn.
Anyway I decided to list a few things that I am excited to do/go/achieve :
Anyway, so I just had breakfast after my workout and shower this morning. No more coffee though :-( but I guess des guud. I woke up, did 30 minute of workout and 20 minutes of yoga and then showered and then had toast with egg, marmite (i love dat black stuff) and avocads, and pumpernickle with pb, dark choc, banana, sprinkled some coffee and cinnamon and then had bowls of cereal with my oat milk :-) lovely!
So yeah, I'm gonna attempt to start my essay soon. TBH I feel quite shit cz I feel like my life is so routinized but I guess people go through this phase. You know the feeling like "am I living life enough/as I should?" "am I stopping myself form stuff?" and you don't know if you are or not. damn.
Anyway I decided to list a few things that I am excited to do/go/achieve :
- Get replies from universities.
- Focus more on my fitness (I really want to see some/a bit of abs I can see abit i guess but only in the morning lel)
- FINISH MY DAMN ESSAY
- FINISH MY DAMN LIGHTING PROJECT
- I cannot wait to go to Paris with Rosie to watch Jungle :-)))))
- SEE CELINE!!!
- Go back home!
- Plan to meet up with friends in London
- Do more things for people (make cards, make something, bake something)
- Practise kindness
I guess that's about it really. I should make more goals. But also remind myself to do them one step at a time. And also, I should plan more things to keep my mind and soul going. I guess I've learned to say "f dat shiet" when sadness comes my way.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Assimilaaaytionnn
Where have the days gone omgggggg??? I know I sleep in and snooze myself (and not set an alarm) but the days go by so fast....
What did I do today let's see! I woke up by the sound of Helen's (housemates) foot steps lol ya I think it was here shoes (wedges) and I could hear it this morning. I got a bit agitated and frustrated because I got woken up by something else other than myself/the sunlight/my alarm but then again, I have to be grateful for it if not I wouldn't have woken up at all!
I'm not sure if I worked out this morning tho. I don't think I did.. and then I went out to have breakfast. uh 4 toast, 2 eggs, avocados, granola, banana, pb etc etc etc after my lemon+ceyenne pepper and juice and fruits. I love breakfast omg I get so excited for it. Like I was in the kitchen eating from 10.30/11 till 12? Yeah I wish breakfast didn't end.
Anyway after that I had to do some designing thingy that I didn't realize practically took up my whole day and I havent done shit for my essay (ok i have done shit) (but not as much as it should be and not as much as i <3 to have done) anyway I plan to do it after doing this post. I already have some background concentration music on. Lel.
And then I did some stretching and yoga and some sort of workout before dinner and that design work thingy. To soothe myself and my soul. Gonna get on with the essay soon. I think I'm gonna open my window and take in a few fresh breath and then execute haha.
What did I do today let's see! I woke up by the sound of Helen's (housemates) foot steps lol ya I think it was here shoes (wedges) and I could hear it this morning. I got a bit agitated and frustrated because I got woken up by something else other than myself/the sunlight/my alarm but then again, I have to be grateful for it if not I wouldn't have woken up at all!
I'm not sure if I worked out this morning tho. I don't think I did.. and then I went out to have breakfast. uh 4 toast, 2 eggs, avocados, granola, banana, pb etc etc etc after my lemon+ceyenne pepper and juice and fruits. I love breakfast omg I get so excited for it. Like I was in the kitchen eating from 10.30/11 till 12? Yeah I wish breakfast didn't end.
Anyway after that I had to do some designing thingy that I didn't realize practically took up my whole day and I havent done shit for my essay (ok i have done shit) (but not as much as it should be and not as much as i <3 to have done) anyway I plan to do it after doing this post. I already have some background concentration music on. Lel.
And then I did some stretching and yoga and some sort of workout before dinner and that design work thingy. To soothe myself and my soul. Gonna get on with the essay soon. I think I'm gonna open my window and take in a few fresh breath and then execute haha.
Fak ok my back hurts so bad and I need to get my essay done but this was fun (collaging and gif-ing) byebye!
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Oh my goodness. My body feels so weird and I'm having such a difficult time trying to fall asleep. So, so, so restless! As I have been the whole day today. Is it too much of caffein? Hormones? The change of season? I HAVE NO IDEA. I have been in bed since 10/11 because I was "too tired to do my essay" but I'm awake.. wide awake.. but my brain isn't as awake as I think it is to continue with my essay.
Raspberry Granola
Good Morning all! I just had my raspberry granola with almond milk, blueberries and cinnamon. That was after my egg and avocado toast :-) I've got black dark coffee with me now. Mmmm bliss!
Anyway, I'm so blessed on how I have a body and a soul in this body.
I'm so blessed that I am capable of having the ability to have a goal.
And I am so blessed to have the privlage (idk how to spell) and support to help me reach my goal and also infuse love and care into the world.
"Ladies of light and ladies of darkness and ladies of never-you-mind,
this is a prayer for a blueberry girl.
First, may you ladies be kind. Keep her from spindles and sleep at sixteen,
let her stay waking and wise.
Nightmares at three or bad husbands at thirty,
these will not trouble her eyes. Dull days at forty, false friends at fifteen - let her have brave days and truth.
Let her go places that we've never been, trust and delight in her youth. Ladies of grace and ladies of favour and ladies of merciful night,
this is a prayer for a blueberry girl. Grant her your clearness of sight. Wordds can be worrisome, people complex, motives and manners unclear. Grant her the wisdom to choose her path right, free from unkindness and fear. Let her tell stories and dance in the rain, somersault, tumble and run, Her joys must be high as her sorrows are deep. Let her grow like a weed in the sun.
Ladies of paradox, ladies of measure, ladies of shadows that fall, This is a prayer for a blueberry girl. Words written clear on a wall.
Help her to help herself, help her to stand, help her to lose and to find. Teach her we're only as big as our dreams. Show her that fortune is blind. Truth is a thing she must find for herself, precious and rare as a pearl. Give her all these and a little bit more: Gift for a blueberry girl."
Anyway, I'm so blessed on how I have a body and a soul in this body.
I'm so blessed that I am capable of having the ability to have a goal.
And I am so blessed to have the privlage (idk how to spell) and support to help me reach my goal and also infuse love and care into the world.
"Ladies of light and ladies of darkness and ladies of never-you-mind,
this is a prayer for a blueberry girl.
First, may you ladies be kind. Keep her from spindles and sleep at sixteen,
let her stay waking and wise.
Nightmares at three or bad husbands at thirty,
these will not trouble her eyes. Dull days at forty, false friends at fifteen - let her have brave days and truth.
Let her go places that we've never been, trust and delight in her youth. Ladies of grace and ladies of favour and ladies of merciful night,
this is a prayer for a blueberry girl. Grant her your clearness of sight. Wordds can be worrisome, people complex, motives and manners unclear. Grant her the wisdom to choose her path right, free from unkindness and fear. Let her tell stories and dance in the rain, somersault, tumble and run, Her joys must be high as her sorrows are deep. Let her grow like a weed in the sun.
Ladies of paradox, ladies of measure, ladies of shadows that fall, This is a prayer for a blueberry girl. Words written clear on a wall.
Help her to help herself, help her to stand, help her to lose and to find. Teach her we're only as big as our dreams. Show her that fortune is blind. Truth is a thing she must find for herself, precious and rare as a pearl. Give her all these and a little bit more: Gift for a blueberry girl."
Saturday, February 28, 2015
not sked
It's 11.15pm and I have not done work. I really should be reading on what I've got to write for my essay and etc.. But my gear is on neutral. I'm productive but not in terms of university. Meh.. Anyway, et's see what I did today! I woke up, stretched, made breakfast if I'm not wrong I was with Sabina in the kitchen. Got ready, and then went to the library because I didn't go the day before or the day before that to borrow books. Cz if I don't then I won't have books to reeeadddddd!
I was pretty baked thursday night (i hope my parents dont read my blog and if they do pls dont worry lol) and it felt horrible. I felt like I was tunnelling down and I had flash backs of my past right infront of me, just constant thoughts. I can't remember but they were profuse thoughts and it felt weird. It hit me really hard. But I still remember this thought like with cell phones now. Something like, this weird device is on your palm. And kids as young as 11 owns one. And this weird devise is so excessable.. excessible excesable excessible excessable.. how do you spell it. Excess-able lol to anywhere in the interweb and whoah times have changed really.
Anyway, yeah so after that thursday night, on friday morning i forced myself to go for a run and made myself breakfast. And then did nothing and then went to the kitchen and chilled for abit and ended up watching movies and eating more and had pop corns in the kitchen and it was nice tho. But it was really so not productive. Whereas I guess it was better today cz I went to the library, I finished a drawing in my book (not uni related tho) and cleaned my room. So yeah.. I've got to bring myself to read. I think I might read myself to sleep. I don't know if that's a good idea since I should get down notes. But to be honest, I don't have a rough idea on anything.
Anyway I feel like writing something "productive" that could maybe influence/help you and me at the same time.
I decided to list down the top fears that I fear.
And Imma make them fears be afraid of me isntead.
Good night! :-)
I was pretty baked thursday night (i hope my parents dont read my blog and if they do pls dont worry lol) and it felt horrible. I felt like I was tunnelling down and I had flash backs of my past right infront of me, just constant thoughts. I can't remember but they were profuse thoughts and it felt weird. It hit me really hard. But I still remember this thought like with cell phones now. Something like, this weird device is on your palm. And kids as young as 11 owns one. And this weird devise is so excessable.. excessible excesable excessible excessable.. how do you spell it. Excess-able lol to anywhere in the interweb and whoah times have changed really.
Anyway, yeah so after that thursday night, on friday morning i forced myself to go for a run and made myself breakfast. And then did nothing and then went to the kitchen and chilled for abit and ended up watching movies and eating more and had pop corns in the kitchen and it was nice tho. But it was really so not productive. Whereas I guess it was better today cz I went to the library, I finished a drawing in my book (not uni related tho) and cleaned my room. So yeah.. I've got to bring myself to read. I think I might read myself to sleep. I don't know if that's a good idea since I should get down notes. But to be honest, I don't have a rough idea on anything.
Anyway I feel like writing something "productive" that could maybe influence/help you and me at the same time.
I decided to list down the top fears that I fear.
And Imma make them fears be afraid of me isntead.
Good night! :-)
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
You know what. It's such a subconscious thingy trying to constantly prove yourself. Trying to show something/your worth of something instead of just being. And I feel that lack of confidence has a lot to do with that. Don't you think so?
The act of trying to prove of how much you're worth or how much you know something.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Skeptical Spectacle
Noro was always a gullible pop(ped) corn. She believed everything anyone said. But one day, she couldn't see the broccoli mountains beyond the fog when it (the fog) went away (evaporated/condensed/i don't remember my science). So it was probably just the fog right? But she stood there whole morning, as if routined gone wrong, waiting, and waiting for the visible mountain to appear. "It can't be. I've waited here for hours." So, she finally stood away from the window and went to Marqo, the butter stick and called him to the window to see if he could see the broccoli mountains. He could. He could see them clearly. Standing green and tall. She believed him anyway. Because she was gullible and well, because it was a truth of a fact or a fact of the truth. "You should get your eyes checked. All those staring out and about might've worn out your vision." "Yeah. I should!" Replied Noro.
So, Noro headed off to the nearest optician - or maybe the only optician in town. She got her eyes checked and lo and be hold, she had a condition and had to get new pair of glasses. She got excited knowing that now she could choose ~*funky*~ glasses with ~*groovy*~ frames! Wear them on a casual day, wear them when dressed up, wear contact lenses when she feels like showing her eyes and surprising people and getting comments like "you look different today but I don't know what it is" to which she would respond to "oh, i normally wear glasses but i've got my contacts on" "love the way you did your eyeliner" "why thank you" "you've got lovely eyes".. you know! The little "change" you show people when you feel like dressing up.
So she got her glasses. And the moment she put it on, it didn't believe anything she felt. Her glasses could speak to her in a non-normal way of speaking. It was a gut speaking kinda conversation. Her eyes didn't believe anything that she knew/thought it was. She walked back home with a frown she wanted to get rid off. But didn't know how to. Maybe she wasn't used to having something on her face. Something that is now a part of her. We don't know..
She saw a ladybug on the ground. She knew in her heart that it was, but her vision was always skeptical about it - making her confused, and popped with a trance of anxiety. "Are you sure it's a ladybug or is your heart playing tricks with you?" "I'm sure it is", Noro replied herself. "What's going on?" "What's this second voice that I feel inside?" "And for the first time, I am disagreeing with something that isn't me."
"I am very sure it's a ladybug. It's red, it's a bug and it has black spots."
"No Noro, look closer, are you sure it is? I doubt it is."
"I can't agree with you. I know for a fact it is. If not, then what is it?"
"I don't know. It's a living thing. But I doubt that it's a ladybug."
"What makes you think it's not a ladybug?!"
"Not all bugs that is red and have spots are ladybugs.."
"That's the stupidest thing I've heard the whole time."
Noro grew to have a love hate relationship with her damn skeptical spectacle but it made her stand up for what she believed in and stronger at opinions. Thank god for blurred visions at times and skeptical specticales!
So, Noro headed off to the nearest optician - or maybe the only optician in town. She got her eyes checked and lo and be hold, she had a condition and had to get new pair of glasses. She got excited knowing that now she could choose ~*funky*~ glasses with ~*groovy*~ frames! Wear them on a casual day, wear them when dressed up, wear contact lenses when she feels like showing her eyes and surprising people and getting comments like "you look different today but I don't know what it is" to which she would respond to "oh, i normally wear glasses but i've got my contacts on" "love the way you did your eyeliner" "why thank you" "you've got lovely eyes".. you know! The little "change" you show people when you feel like dressing up.
So she got her glasses. And the moment she put it on, it didn't believe anything she felt. Her glasses could speak to her in a non-normal way of speaking. It was a gut speaking kinda conversation. Her eyes didn't believe anything that she knew/thought it was. She walked back home with a frown she wanted to get rid off. But didn't know how to. Maybe she wasn't used to having something on her face. Something that is now a part of her. We don't know..
She saw a ladybug on the ground. She knew in her heart that it was, but her vision was always skeptical about it - making her confused, and popped with a trance of anxiety. "Are you sure it's a ladybug or is your heart playing tricks with you?" "I'm sure it is", Noro replied herself. "What's going on?" "What's this second voice that I feel inside?" "And for the first time, I am disagreeing with something that isn't me."
"I am very sure it's a ladybug. It's red, it's a bug and it has black spots."
"No Noro, look closer, are you sure it is? I doubt it is."
"I can't agree with you. I know for a fact it is. If not, then what is it?"
"I don't know. It's a living thing. But I doubt that it's a ladybug."
"What makes you think it's not a ladybug?!"
"Not all bugs that is red and have spots are ladybugs.."
"That's the stupidest thing I've heard the whole time."
Noro grew to have a love hate relationship with her damn skeptical spectacle but it made her stand up for what she believed in and stronger at opinions. Thank god for blurred visions at times and skeptical specticales!
--
Such a shit story but..... I was walking with Pritika to town cz she wanted to go to specs savers to get a new pair of glasses and the term "Skeptical Spectacle" came about and yeah!
Monday, February 2, 2015
Phew!
I guess you really need to reach your lowest, in order to find strength to make progress or to be in a process of progression. Sunday was crazy. Like really crazy. Filled with frustration, confusion, anger, disappointment, and constant wondering, wandering, questioning and not being able to understand or grasp a matter of a fact or a fact of a matter or life being a matter or a matter being part of life. Or just wondering what. I. Am. Set. To. Do. Here?
Money being invested in education, being sent abroad, time, degree, doing what you love.. doing what matters.. Questioning myself "What do you really like? What are you enthusiastic about?" Me not knowing the answer.. And then me feeling like a phoney for the hobbies I enjoy. Me wishing and hoping that I had firing or burning passion in me on a certain/particular field since forever like some people I know, I've heard of, have watched, have listened to etc.
And lastly, but most importantly of the fact of the matter or the matter of the fact, me being sorry for myself for existing and being so blessed but not knowing what the fuck to do with it.
I asked myself questions that I have never asked myself before. I walked in gloomy frustration. Each step accompanied by kicking a metaphorical stone/rock/whatever. Each movement of muscles on my face forming a damn frown. Ugh. My name should've been Nancy or Judy then. (Negative Nancy/Judy Moody - if you're wondering) (no offence to any Nancy or Judy not that I know of any but that's how the saying goes....)
I guess people at a certain age go through this. Well for me, (I hope some people can relate to this because I hope that this would bring you comfort to know that you're not the only one depressed/frustrated/angry) I kept on questioning myself, "What the fuck are you doing with your life?" "What are you doing with the time and money being invested in your education?" "You don't seem to be bothered to be putting in any effort." (Hence, I look(ed) for excuses in my lack of effort, blaming what I think is the core for my unhappiness hence, lack of motivation to progress in life) "You're so privileged to be sent abroad and to have an education? Why is it that you just want to quit education?" "Is education for me? Do I want to be in this system?" "What the fuck does this even mean? Getting a degree in design?" "Am I gaining anything to nourish and contribute to the world?" "This world is temporary.. there's so many products.. do we need more?" "Do I deserve all of this if I am not even happy to begin with?" "Doesn't this unhappiness show injustice to your parents' sacrifices?" "Should I explain to my parents how I feel?" "Should I go with it?" "Why am I so depressed?" "Why do I hate every single angle of this scope at the moment?" "Why do I love to hate whatever right now?" ... the amount of questions were crazy. I know, I know, do not question things you can't answer. Do not ponder on them. But these questions do open doors for you.
It didn't feel right. I am a smiley girl in general. I always see the light somewhere. But this time it was all shit. I wanted to give up on education. I wanted to beg my parents to give me a year off to understand life (ugh, ew, cringe) and to know what I wanted to do. I was frustrated with the fact that time = money. Education is in the system. I was frustrated that as kids, we had so little exposure to know what we actually wanted to do. I was frustrated that as teens, straight out of a single filed high school education, we were to be put out in the world, get a higher education, I was frustrated that money and time became an obligation. This might sound off but.. I was frustrated that privilege became an obligation to show gratefulness (in my case). I felt that I didn't deserve education at the time being, I felt like it wasn't for me. I actually do not know what I want to do. Yes, I love design, but what if there are other things out there that I want to do?
So I thought, shit what if I wanted to do law? But I couldn't see myself. The vision of me studying/practising law made me feel like I was abandoning myself. It did not fit. And then I thought, what if I didn't want to do anything? What if I wanted to take up odd jobs and find my way up, on my own, out of the damn system. Why can't I just be a free spirited leaf?
I made a call to my parents, it was the best slap on the face I've ever got!
But yeah during the phone call,we argued, our voices raised. No one understood how I felt. But I felt/ I knew that my mind expands and then contracts. I knew that people forget that you are you. People forget that if one of past experiences has never felt that way, you shouldn't. They forget that even in the same "experience" different individuals go through them differently. And they question to why you feel that way. And you sigh, with a silent dialog "how the fuck would I know! that's why I'm a mess, that's why I'm screaming in frustration. because I do not know. And even the reasons I give would be excuses." Sometimes, you don't know, you cant form sentences or words to express/explain. But given time, given 5 months. You roughly know in your guts why. But you just cannot explain. It's like when a baby cry and you're so flustered. That was how both of us felt at that time.
But the slap was such a great wake up call (yet again) of the same thing that I always forget. I couldn't neglect education. They've done so much for me, too much! And they want nothing more than for me to be able to support myself. My parents are the best. I swear, they've put up with tonnes of shit from us kids. I hope my siblings do see that as well. But yeah, they're the best. And whilst speaking to them, I felt uneasy. I should invest their investment in my education to do something worth while in the long run, I should make it worth for them, and for me. I need to do it. It's a task. It's an obligatory task.
I had to bring my parents' justice. They've done too much for me.
I am going to cut long story short because...... I'm really sleepy and I wanna finish this post before I sleep!
All in all, it came down to a conclusion, to never settle for less if you feel that you can do more. If you feel like you want to take up something to fulfill your time and energy with, go for it. If you want to see progress in your life, you've just got to really work for/ on it. Drive your way up to it in full speed. Challenge yourself. It's like completing a run/ completing a workout circuit. It sucks but the end product feels bloody good. I can't wait to reach it, really. Whatever the end product is. But then again, even though the end product feels bloody good, it's actually the faith in it that'll make it bloody good. And besides, I don't think I will ever "reach the goal" because the progress on achieving it is going to be so exciting, that I just want to constantly progress! I'll be more satisfied with the feeling of progression rather than the goal itself. But the goal will keep you going. But all in all, always master the things that you know you are capable of handling. Pick up something in par with your drive. Nourish yourself to gain enthusiasm.
It's tough, and it's easier said than done. But yay! Something to work on, and some sacrifices to put myself in to. Still finding what I love, really. But I gotta do what I've set myself to do this year. Whatever changes I make, I promise myself to not be scared. For in this life, I want to do well, I want to fulfill my capabilities, I want to make mum and dad proud. I just really want to make everything worth it!
It takes time, it takes time. It sounds like a really ambitious post. But yeah, an advice is in whatever you do, humble yourself, be enthusiastic about your life and goals, go big and bold, try to be confident along the way, (confidence is scaryyyyy) but always have faith on the greater things in life. If you can't see it at the moment, know that it is somewhere in you. It's just waiting for you to gain the strength or vision to look for it.
I believe you can! I am in the process of doing so!
Nanight x
Money being invested in education, being sent abroad, time, degree, doing what you love.. doing what matters.. Questioning myself "What do you really like? What are you enthusiastic about?" Me not knowing the answer.. And then me feeling like a phoney for the hobbies I enjoy. Me wishing and hoping that I had firing or burning passion in me on a certain/particular field since forever like some people I know, I've heard of, have watched, have listened to etc.
And lastly, but most importantly of the fact of the matter or the matter of the fact, me being sorry for myself for existing and being so blessed but not knowing what the fuck to do with it.
I asked myself questions that I have never asked myself before. I walked in gloomy frustration. Each step accompanied by kicking a metaphorical stone/rock/whatever. Each movement of muscles on my face forming a damn frown. Ugh. My name should've been Nancy or Judy then. (Negative Nancy/Judy Moody - if you're wondering) (no offence to any Nancy or Judy not that I know of any but that's how the saying goes....)
I guess people at a certain age go through this. Well for me, (I hope some people can relate to this because I hope that this would bring you comfort to know that you're not the only one depressed/frustrated/angry) I kept on questioning myself, "What the fuck are you doing with your life?" "What are you doing with the time and money being invested in your education?" "You don't seem to be bothered to be putting in any effort." (Hence, I look(ed) for excuses in my lack of effort, blaming what I think is the core for my unhappiness hence, lack of motivation to progress in life) "You're so privileged to be sent abroad and to have an education? Why is it that you just want to quit education?" "Is education for me? Do I want to be in this system?" "What the fuck does this even mean? Getting a degree in design?" "Am I gaining anything to nourish and contribute to the world?" "This world is temporary.. there's so many products.. do we need more?" "Do I deserve all of this if I am not even happy to begin with?" "Doesn't this unhappiness show injustice to your parents' sacrifices?" "Should I explain to my parents how I feel?" "Should I go with it?" "Why am I so depressed?" "Why do I hate every single angle of this scope at the moment?" "Why do I love to hate whatever right now?" ... the amount of questions were crazy. I know, I know, do not question things you can't answer. Do not ponder on them. But these questions do open doors for you.
It didn't feel right. I am a smiley girl in general. I always see the light somewhere. But this time it was all shit. I wanted to give up on education. I wanted to beg my parents to give me a year off to understand life (ugh, ew, cringe) and to know what I wanted to do. I was frustrated with the fact that time = money. Education is in the system. I was frustrated that as kids, we had so little exposure to know what we actually wanted to do. I was frustrated that as teens, straight out of a single filed high school education, we were to be put out in the world, get a higher education, I was frustrated that money and time became an obligation. This might sound off but.. I was frustrated that privilege became an obligation to show gratefulness (in my case). I felt that I didn't deserve education at the time being, I felt like it wasn't for me. I actually do not know what I want to do. Yes, I love design, but what if there are other things out there that I want to do?
So I thought, shit what if I wanted to do law? But I couldn't see myself. The vision of me studying/practising law made me feel like I was abandoning myself. It did not fit. And then I thought, what if I didn't want to do anything? What if I wanted to take up odd jobs and find my way up, on my own, out of the damn system. Why can't I just be a free spirited leaf?
I made a call to my parents, it was the best slap on the face I've ever got!
But yeah during the phone call,we argued, our voices raised. No one understood how I felt. But I felt/ I knew that my mind expands and then contracts. I knew that people forget that you are you. People forget that if one of past experiences has never felt that way, you shouldn't. They forget that even in the same "experience" different individuals go through them differently. And they question to why you feel that way. And you sigh, with a silent dialog "how the fuck would I know! that's why I'm a mess, that's why I'm screaming in frustration. because I do not know. And even the reasons I give would be excuses." Sometimes, you don't know, you cant form sentences or words to express/explain. But given time, given 5 months. You roughly know in your guts why. But you just cannot explain. It's like when a baby cry and you're so flustered. That was how both of us felt at that time.
But the slap was such a great wake up call (yet again) of the same thing that I always forget. I couldn't neglect education. They've done so much for me, too much! And they want nothing more than for me to be able to support myself. My parents are the best. I swear, they've put up with tonnes of shit from us kids. I hope my siblings do see that as well. But yeah, they're the best. And whilst speaking to them, I felt uneasy. I should invest their investment in my education to do something worth while in the long run, I should make it worth for them, and for me. I need to do it. It's a task. It's an obligatory task.
I had to bring my parents' justice. They've done too much for me.
I am going to cut long story short because...... I'm really sleepy and I wanna finish this post before I sleep!
All in all, it came down to a conclusion, to never settle for less if you feel that you can do more. If you feel like you want to take up something to fulfill your time and energy with, go for it. If you want to see progress in your life, you've just got to really work for/ on it. Drive your way up to it in full speed. Challenge yourself. It's like completing a run/ completing a workout circuit. It sucks but the end product feels bloody good. I can't wait to reach it, really. Whatever the end product is. But then again, even though the end product feels bloody good, it's actually the faith in it that'll make it bloody good. And besides, I don't think I will ever "reach the goal" because the progress on achieving it is going to be so exciting, that I just want to constantly progress! I'll be more satisfied with the feeling of progression rather than the goal itself. But the goal will keep you going. But all in all, always master the things that you know you are capable of handling. Pick up something in par with your drive. Nourish yourself to gain enthusiasm.
It's tough, and it's easier said than done. But yay! Something to work on, and some sacrifices to put myself in to. Still finding what I love, really. But I gotta do what I've set myself to do this year. Whatever changes I make, I promise myself to not be scared. For in this life, I want to do well, I want to fulfill my capabilities, I want to make mum and dad proud. I just really want to make everything worth it!
It takes time, it takes time. It sounds like a really ambitious post. But yeah, an advice is in whatever you do, humble yourself, be enthusiastic about your life and goals, go big and bold, try to be confident along the way, (confidence is scaryyyyy) but always have faith on the greater things in life. If you can't see it at the moment, know that it is somewhere in you. It's just waiting for you to gain the strength or vision to look for it.
I believe you can! I am in the process of doing so!
Nanight x
Saturday, January 31, 2015
I wish I could be massively passionate about something and I guess many people do have the trouble with this. Not that it's a trouble or a struggle. But I honestly am amazed by people who fan-girl/are passionate about something and constantly/have vast knowledge on a certain thing and it excites me. Yeah I do like things, there are things I like. But I don't find substance in myself. I feel like a phoney.
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
P4U
Decided to sort out my laptop and clear unwanted nonsense and look! I found old pictures of the pau's my mama made. Mmmm I've missed them so much. It's basically pork pieces wrapped up with (TLC aka tender lovin' care) in bunzzzz. So good! Yeah and Imrah finally sent me the whole master collection and tadaaaa I have photoshop! And I had free time so why not edit some old pictures :-) I enjoy playing around with curves but it sucks when you're an indecisive bitch because it's so hard to decide which or what you prefer but it was fun and therapeutic I guess. I miss mum's cooking as well! I'm gonna try to crack illustrator in a bit (wow sounds like it's such a hugeee task) but yeah!
Okay gonna see what else I can do to increase excitement in my life. But this was pretty exciting I guess. Tata for now. P/S I loveee cashewwww nutsssss.
Or maybeee I should learn how to play about with html codes!!
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Progress
I think one thing that I really miss, or enjoy in life is progress. That unexpected journey to reaching a goal. You can't see the goal but you can feel it and have that faith that you'll eventually reach it. You never know where the end is because you're on a constant strive (integrated with habit). And I guess what I want to do to actually feel content, or to see the light is to have one goal. Aside from what's happening in life and to research, impliment and work on it day to day.
But what should that goal be?
I am taking example on my weight loss process and how my determination has really did shape me in a certain way! I am happy that I still eat relatively healthy and have a relatively balanced diet lol and do find time to exercise and keep that whole daily or weekly habit going!
But that has been when I was 17. And I am still in the process of it. But now, at the age of 19/20 what excites me? What do I want to pursue? What do I want to fan girl about? What do I want to observe about? What field is it that I want to feel excited about? (this sentence sounds/feels weird) but you get me!
What change do I want in my life, in my well being?
I guess what I want to start doing is to write. Maybe try writing short stories? Mataphore (I spelt it wrong again). But yeah! Maybe that! Write everyday. And also finish a book in a month/2 weeks. Come one Zoe!
And get a toned belly.
Okay gonna get on it now!
Gonna lie down, listen to tunes, get my workout gear, shower, read a book and write :-) tata!
I just want to start fan girling about something again!
OH AND USE LESS OF THE DAMN INTERWEBZzzZzZz.
But what should that goal be?
I am taking example on my weight loss process and how my determination has really did shape me in a certain way! I am happy that I still eat relatively healthy and have a relatively balanced diet lol and do find time to exercise and keep that whole daily or weekly habit going!
But that has been when I was 17. And I am still in the process of it. But now, at the age of 19/20 what excites me? What do I want to pursue? What do I want to fan girl about? What do I want to observe about? What field is it that I want to feel excited about? (this sentence sounds/feels weird) but you get me!
What change do I want in my life, in my well being?
I guess what I want to start doing is to write. Maybe try writing short stories? Mataphore (I spelt it wrong again). But yeah! Maybe that! Write everyday. And also finish a book in a month/2 weeks. Come one Zoe!
And get a toned belly.
Okay gonna get on it now!
Gonna lie down, listen to tunes, get my workout gear, shower, read a book and write :-) tata!
I just want to start fan girling about something again!
OH AND USE LESS OF THE DAMN INTERWEBZzzZzZz.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Damn.
I feel like I do not know what to do besides listening to music. I need to sort my life out right now. It sucks you know, when you feel like there's so much that you can offer and that there's so much that things can offer to you. But you're just bitter towards yourself and the things around you. You just do not know where to face, really. Your mind is cluttered and your conscience is vague, blurred and full of self doubt. I fucking hate how everything in my mind feels like a blur. How my insides is a mash of things rather than an organised book shelf, an organised closet, an organised diary. My insides are boxes, piled with shit in each and one of them. Picking the things out at random to try suit my mood. Or vice versa.. whatever that means.. whatever.
I'm still confused about that whole changing of university thingy to be honest. I'm scared. Where do I live? What if I don't make friends? What if I'm outcasted? Since I always assume or think that I have been so bruised by my well-being here. But dig in deep, I know that it's bullshit. I am stronger than the things that I think pull me down. I am stronger than the variables and the factors that make me sad. I know that for a fact. But it's always so easy being sorry and afraid of yourself. I'm so blessed with the people and friends I've met and made here. But I believe in an environment in nourishing you and inspiring you. What you're set to do. The internet can only do so much, but the internet is a bloody black hole of reality away from reality. It's an escape from reality into watching the realities of others.
I have caught myself wondering what the fuck am I actually doing with my life. I think about it. I am blessed to have an education as any blessed child is. I am brought to a different country to get exposure and to gain experience (it is an experience alright) and all experiences are different. I have and should do well in university to make it worth while and I should spend my time on what I am put here to do. And I should like what I am doing because I chose it and because I think I like it. Like they say, life is short. Do what you want to do. But my god "do what you want to do"..? that's limitation right there. That's panic for me. If I were to do what I wanted to do.. I wouldn't even know what I would wanna do. Actually I would, I would like to try surfing and also mountain climbing and make a living out of it. I would like to do bloody art therapy and find out of aliens exists. I would like to scare the shit out of myself by scuba diving deeeeep into the ocean. But they say that "you can do that ones your degree is over. once you've earned your money." and that's true to a certain extend.
But do I really? Should I go through this again? I feel like I've grown to be so lazy.. so lazy to explore the possibilities of things being able to be picked up and learn and to nurture myself in because I search for easy escape like listening to music, drawing, running, watching shows. Time for yourself is good because you actually find things to nurture yourself and find things that you enjoy doing but what if it's not what you're supposed to do? But then again, what if, it is because that's the way you are? I don't know, I feel like I have this big pile of life wanting to vomit out from me but I'm just too afraid to mess myself up and to clean the mess I've made. If that makes sense.
Education is a fucking scam. I hate it when money is involved. Money is good but it's also obligation because it comes to "worth" it comes to being "fortunate" and it is, it really is. And when you're fortunate, you have to show gratitude.
All in all, I am a confused 19 year old wanting to do nothing but walk.
I'm still confused about that whole changing of university thingy to be honest. I'm scared. Where do I live? What if I don't make friends? What if I'm outcasted? Since I always assume or think that I have been so bruised by my well-being here. But dig in deep, I know that it's bullshit. I am stronger than the things that I think pull me down. I am stronger than the variables and the factors that make me sad. I know that for a fact. But it's always so easy being sorry and afraid of yourself. I'm so blessed with the people and friends I've met and made here. But I believe in an environment in nourishing you and inspiring you. What you're set to do. The internet can only do so much, but the internet is a bloody black hole of reality away from reality. It's an escape from reality into watching the realities of others.
I have caught myself wondering what the fuck am I actually doing with my life. I think about it. I am blessed to have an education as any blessed child is. I am brought to a different country to get exposure and to gain experience (it is an experience alright) and all experiences are different. I have and should do well in university to make it worth while and I should spend my time on what I am put here to do. And I should like what I am doing because I chose it and because I think I like it. Like they say, life is short. Do what you want to do. But my god "do what you want to do"..? that's limitation right there. That's panic for me. If I were to do what I wanted to do.. I wouldn't even know what I would wanna do. Actually I would, I would like to try surfing and also mountain climbing and make a living out of it. I would like to do bloody art therapy and find out of aliens exists. I would like to scare the shit out of myself by scuba diving deeeeep into the ocean. But they say that "you can do that ones your degree is over. once you've earned your money." and that's true to a certain extend.
But do I really? Should I go through this again? I feel like I've grown to be so lazy.. so lazy to explore the possibilities of things being able to be picked up and learn and to nurture myself in because I search for easy escape like listening to music, drawing, running, watching shows. Time for yourself is good because you actually find things to nurture yourself and find things that you enjoy doing but what if it's not what you're supposed to do? But then again, what if, it is because that's the way you are? I don't know, I feel like I have this big pile of life wanting to vomit out from me but I'm just too afraid to mess myself up and to clean the mess I've made. If that makes sense.
Education is a fucking scam. I hate it when money is involved. Money is good but it's also obligation because it comes to "worth" it comes to being "fortunate" and it is, it really is. And when you're fortunate, you have to show gratitude.
All in all, I am a confused 19 year old wanting to do nothing but walk.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
the day went by too fast
My brother is right.
"People are stupid when they complain about something other than injustice. That's a fact."
"Injustice in general terms?"
"In general. Can you complain about the colour of your shirt? You can. But it makes you stupid. Because you have a shirt. You complain about injustice because it concerns a greater understanding of existence. If you see a child having no food. That is injustice. If you see that someone has created art that is true and honest but he/she isn't popular and because of that doesn't get recognised, you give that recognition. You make it something Because as human beings, we ought to be concerned about injustice. If you have power over it. You shouldn't complain about it. None of us are perfect and we will complain about it. But keep that in mind."
He probably saved my mind and life by feeding me with wisdom of great thoughts. I have been living in my own shadow while waiting for my body to rise into existence and I guess it is time to do so. Obstacles puts the life in living. Death is easy, death is simple and death is pathetic. And by death I mean the want to die and leave earth. But pain, pain is strength, pain is determination pain is a sensation. A sense of living and a living sense.
If you ate a lot of food, and complain about eating too much and feeling fat, slap yourself. Why? You should know why!
If your closet is full of clothes, and you're complaining that the closet is too small/you have too much of clothing, slap yourself.
In general terms, if you're privileged, blessed and loved and have formed obstacles by your own works, change and alter whatever needs to be altered. If it's laid right in front of you in open arms, you have every right to use or abuse it.
superficiality / easy excess / intentions / existence / gratitude < a few things to focus on for nourishment in this growth phase.
Happy 2015!
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