Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Only 18.

Yes, I do admit. I am only 18. But soon, I'll turn into a woman. Not so soon, but gradually. I know I am. I even can feel the change in me now. I feel myself growing.

But as I am growing, I am starting to make decisions for myself. Not that I have not before. But I realize that I do need to stand up for myself and know what nourishes me and benefits me as a person. And at the same time, please the other party. I do not believe in being selfish. I know that sometimes you have to. But it doesn't make me feel good deep inside to do so.

But what I realize, and what I need to work on, on myself is to live for myself. To think for myself. To know what is best for myself. To understand myself. To get what I want and get what I need. To feed my soul. Because there is only one me. And I am in full control of what makes me a better me.

I am a fickle pickle in fact. I regret doing the things I do because of not understanding how I feel. But I need to stop that. I need to understand myself like a book. I need to be predictable to myself. I know this all sounds so demanding for myself. But I have the urge to think of long term.

Yes I am 18, I am bound to make mistakes. I might not practice what I preach and bla bla bla..

But I really do have to start living for myself.
Because at the end of the day it's just you.
you.
and you.

It's just me and You.

Do what nourishes you Zoe. You'll see the glow in you, you'll see the light in you. You'll see what you're capable of.
All of us are capable of great things. Just do it. Tomorrow could be a new year in your calender.
Tomorrow is my Monday, tomorrow is my 1st of January. Tomorrow is a new start and I will grow and learn and move forward.

Tomorrow I will


  • Be in time for class.
  • Have a great breakfast (as always)
  • Dress modestly to class/feel good.
  • Do work during my free time.
  • Do what I have to do.
  • Exercise.
  • Try to sleep early.
  • Try to eat great.
  • Pray.
  • Be thankful.
  • Count my blessings.
  • Love the people around me.
  • Give love.



Sunday, December 8, 2013

I am lying on my bed as sitting down on my chair is causing my back to ache really bad. But as I am lying on my bed, I am subconsciously telling myself that I might fall asleep. And therefore, I do feel sleepy. But I have to fight this tiredness as a punishment to myself for not being able to divide my time as I ought to. I am feeling funny. I feel like I am longing for something as my life has been so stagnant. But the thing is- I do not know what I am longing for, but there is this sensation of longing for something in my heart. I am feeling sleepy...

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Missed!





Hello all! I have definitely missed writing here. This space.

Let's talk about what has been on my mind lately and what I have been up to.

Basically, I feel like I have not been giving my best in the work I produce and I know that I have the capability and potential to do so. I am just shamelessly taking things for granted and doing things half heartedly.

Secondly, I feel like I have not been doing things that nourish me as a person. Things to build me up to whoever. But then again, every situation contradicts, the things I am doing now might bring me to realization to who I am and I guess it builds me up as a person as well.

Thirdly, I know that I am not fat. I know that I am not too skinny. But I miss working out and having healthy choice of food. But it's all time management and my schedule. But I just enjoy feeling good. I mean I do. But it's only temporary.

Fourth, I am still soul searching and the feelings I have today, yesterday, tomorrow - I know that they are temporary.

I just finished my first class and I am off to do my E-portfolio now.


I feel like tattooing "You gotta do what you ought'a do." on my arm.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Friday, November 8, 2013

T o uchh

let my palm feel yours
and my finger intertwine yours
as we form a vacuum
of nothing but me and you

let my head rest on your shoulder
while i hope for time to go slower
id hate to see the sunrise -
as the night is so beautiful with planted lights

let me walk away
as part of me stay










It was this picture that made me wanna write that 
:-)

Sunday, October 6, 2013

I admit that I am young. That I still am a shoot, sprouting its way out from soil. But I do crave to have knowledge of living life with depth. To learn more about who I am even though that would never ever be reachable. To find myself.

To take the best learning outcomes from the mistakes I make to mould me to the person that I want to be or that I am meant to be or that I need to be.

I crave for depth.
I crave for understanding.
I crave for that.

Sometimes with depth comes living on the surface, though.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Who am I?

Tired of the beats that I used to hate but have grown to enjoy
Under the influence of alcohol
Taking control of your mind
To lose yourself

It's fun they say
It's fun I say
I enjoy the fun

It's part of life I say
Saying that I don't enjoy it would be a lie


I do enjoy it.

But then I contradict myself when I am alone
and when I reflect.
I dislike me when I'm in it.

I love my family.
I treasure my friends.
I value myself.

Who am I?

They say that this is uni/college.

.. but is this me?

Thursday, September 26, 2013

I think..





I think it's important to be

humble
pure
conservative
light hearted
open
wise
modest
fun

I think it is important to learn from whatever
life and God is doing/taking (to) you.

We're all little children, fertilized by our own lives.

Du nut giv up!

Sunday, September 15, 2013

When you give yourself time to think
It's either you feel happy or sad.

But right now I feel sad and odd.
Like I'm still searching for someone that has already be found.

And also, it sucks comparing yourself.
Why can't I realize that
I am my own individual
This is my life
I live it by the decisions I make
and the mistakes I've done
Because life lessons are what builds you up
To be whoever or whatever you want to be.
And the decision to things you make are medication for your soul.

Monday, September 2, 2013

I wish you could see
The feelings inside of me
I wish I could show you how I feel
But I fear vulnerability
Of showing emotions
Only to receive rejection
But how would I know
If I show feelings of a living stone

I could feel something
But this cycle
Makes me scared

Saturday, August 31, 2013

What my feelings are




















I am an unpacked luggage from a trip
A bittersweet mess left at the side of the room
Of clothing and items picked 

I am a hot shower in the evening
The heat plastering you with vapours of nostalgia
A vivid feeling of a vague memory

I am the smell of the past
The scent that hits you in the present
So close the door

If you don't want to feel these anymore






Saturday, July 27, 2013

Stuff..

Funny how a familiar place can feel so foreign and a foreign place could suddenly feel familiar. And you capture yourself into confusion to where you actually belong and prefer and you're still dwelling into the confusion and you still question your longing on where you feel right.

I don't know, I don't know anything. There's so much work to do but I want to do well and do it right. I hope I'll do well, and what I like and what I think is nice would be pleasing.

Anyway, the other day, I delayed a lot of time (I was supposed to do work) because I was contemplating whether or not to cut bangs to the point of googling "How to know if I should cut STRAIGHT bangs."

But then after 2 hours of contemplating and asking almost everyone on my whatsapp, I saw the scissors and I looked at the mirror, took my hair and had a very yolo moment and just snipped it snip, snip, snip. And I swore at every snip and laughed at myself.

But all is well. I was so sick at my bare forehead! Now it has something protecting it and people wont have the urge to flick dat forehead of mine.


It's almost 2 and I should sleep cz I wanna get up early to get work done.. I have so much to do.




++

I am also excited to go to Vietnam with my family and reconnect. Phone calls are different from face to face.

I was also wondering how holding hands with the opposite sex feels like.
Mine would sweat.

Funny how caffeine didn't really work on me tonight.

Sunday, July 21, 2013


Not my picture but I like it :)

Sleepless nights of open skies,
Like truthful tears and a mouthful of lies,
Staggering steps as I walk forward
Showing that you're brave.. You coward.

The wind it blows the feels of grief,
But grief wraps me up in the arms of deceive.
He sits there and stares.
As we exchange glares.

A poem I wrote in english class a few weeks ago! Found the paper while I was clearing ma room.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

DDS





Deep desolate sighs
The sky 
Is there for you to cry

Deep desolate sighs
Each cry
Just asking you to try

Deep desolate sighs
I cried out to my cries

Deep desolate sighs
The tears seeping through my eyes


My poems don't always reflect on how I feel, bee tee double u. Off to do some werk now! 

Sunday, May 5, 2013

College.

College has been so good, so far.
I often do miss the people back home. But it's important to absorb the moment as much as I can.
Why? Because I know that I might never, ever get the moment back.

I am constantly dealt with confusion.
But that makes everything fun :)

Thursday, March 7, 2013

3.142 is pie

Hello! So quick update on what I have been up to. So yesterday, Halili came over to jog and stayover and before that we had some really hard core dancing marathon (mostly destiny's child and beyonce) We also tried annoying ourselves WITH FREAKING ANNOYING PSY OH GOD. And we took videos and we freaked out at how coordinated we were at some moves and kept on watching it over and over again it was damn awesome yolo to the swag of the fish, quote Kleef "yolo swag fish." Speaking of Kleef, HAPPY BIRTHDAY KLEEF I LOVE YOU IDK IF YOU'LL SEE THIS BUT YOU'RE MY HOMEBODY OMG I MEAN HOMEBOY AND I LOVE YOU. Stay stupid and perverted and lovely and wise and etc etc so glad I got to know you.

And then we played dress up and then we are not 18 yet (lol I'm re-reading this idky I typed this down) and then we went for a jog and while I was jogging halfway I SAW 2 FREAKING MONKEYS LOL. THIS IS NOT THE YEAR OF THE MONKEY?? But yeah, I didn't get blisters this time! ^^

And then Halili and I had a photoshoot (this was after our dancing performance la)





(I am proper Halili is gangster)


(You shoot me down.. but I won't fall..)


(I am TITANIUMMMM)
+
(our personal favourite)


(I have a freaking mullet ew)



(Halili dedicating her love to Gangnam Style)


(expressing expressions)



Okay and then we came back and I made kimchi soup for the both of us and then we watched the video of both of us again and freaked out and then we watched "My Big Mad Fat Diary" (Halili msged me to correct this and we are laughing because it isn't funny but it's worth laughing AT) from Halili's laptop and then we slept. Actually Halili slept first. I was awake till 3.

And it was a great day!

I'm at KL now btw :) I'll be going to the Subang area to check on places to stay and stuff in the morning and hopefully be able to meet up with Yvonne and Mindy! :> I haven't seen Mindy in ages. And I think I might stay here till the 16th till FMFA so I won't have to go up and down and stuff.

Okiedokies till next time homeboys byebye.



Monday, March 4, 2013

New Zealand!


Hey all! So, I went to New Zealand for 8 days and it was the most amazing experience I've ever had in my life (okay la -- so far!) And, ah, well, everything there was amazing. Especially the view/scenery. And the people, and man, I was so attached to that place that it was so bitter sweet going home :( The weather was perfect and everything was just amazing and well, you felt disconnected from the world and at the same time, connected to it. I don't know how to explain. But it's such a beautiful country and I can't wait to back pack around New Zealand once I'm older :)

These pictures are day one and half of day 2. I have tonnes of pictures to post! But I'll post them bit by bit (when I have the mood to!) 

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So, this was our first motel room and stuff (although it's only one part of the motel) it's called "City Park Motel" and it's next to this bar and it's really, really nice! And the receptionist told us that she has visited Malaysia and stuff and I asked if she visited Sabah and Sarawak and she was like "Sadly, no." (hehe neither have I. I've visited Kuching la but I was as small as a kucing to remember). So after we settled down, dad wanted Fish and Chips (when you go to UK, Aus, or NZ you just have to try their fish and chips there and idky but yeah).

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It was super big bruh. We had to tapao the fries back home. I had grilled cod with salad though :> but I stupidly spilled all of the salad dressing into my fish so my fish was so oily yuck. It's a restaurant + a fish market! And the fishes are so fresh they were practically alive while being dead.

After lunch, we walked to this mall.. and I saw this nice mural painting thing on the way!

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And then we went back home I mean the motel (chey) and I decided to go for a walk alone to discover the place so I walked around the housing areas in envy because they were so beautifulllll and then I walked to the park and then here and there and it was nice and then I went back home for dinner!

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This was what we had for dinner :

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Ye boi left over fries and salad and mussels in a tub. I didn't have fries though. But we didnt buy much because the next day we had to set off to Dunedin! (Man, I love that place).

This was before we left and I'm only posting it because I like how my dad looks at the back B)

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And the most amazing parents + greatest couple ever! (not our car btw I forgot to take picture of the car we rented but it was a nice ford with a gps heheheehe so we didn't have to rent a gps so heheeh we saved cost because apparently you'll have to pay 10 nz dollars PER DAY if you rented one).

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FRESH FRUITS EVERYWHERE!!!!

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COWS AND SHEEP AND HORSES EVERYWHERE!! BUT MOSTLY SHEEP BECAUSE they r cute. All of them are, actually.

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My favourite picture of the lot (I love this picture so much I don't know what to do the lighting and everything made it so easy to edit and I only had to adjust abit of the curves!)

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Stopped here to go to the toilet hehe (oh there you can see our car!)

And then we stopped at random places just so I could take pictures of stuff (Thank you, Parents :') )

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"Take like this yah from this angle." Then they stopped and I went out and took it. I took a picture of this!

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And also a random shot of this!




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Anyway, these are only like 1/4 of day 2! I've still got more pictures to be posted but I havent showered and my fingers hurt from editing (as I use the mousepad. To me la hehe) Hope you enjoyed the pictures! Stay tuned for more! I really miss editing pictures. And I really can't wait to talk more about New Zealand!

Bye bye for now :)

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Eeeep!

Eeeep! I feel so happy receiving positive feedback from my latest post! And it's really motivational and stuff :)

I'll be blogging about New Zealand soon soooo stay tuned!

Thursday, February 28, 2013

So, how?

Hello! So, I've been getting questions from people whenever they see me after a long time and it goes like, "How did you lose so much weight?" And stuff like that, and I'd just say, "Oh! I just exercise regularly and eat healthy." Which is basically it! But I decided to go more into it and how I started out and stuff like that. I have a jumbled out mind when it comes to things to say so.. I hope I won't jumble up things in this blog post. Actually, I think I would but nevermind. As long as it makes sense.

Well, I've always been considered "big" or "plump" but people/myself try to make myself feel better by saying, "you're just tall" Well, I know that I was never fat. I was just.. unfit. And I've always told myself, "if you worked out a bit more, you'll look better etc etc." but I never did. I didn't even bother. There were days where I'd be satisfied with my body, and days where I wasn't.

Anyway, I started out having this "healthy" lifestyle on a Tuesday/Monday, August 2012. It all started when I decided to go for a jog. I would normally discourage myself to go for jogs because I felt "embarrassed" of what people would think.. and thinking back, it was such a silly thing to think! But my mum motivated me to just go for a jog. I told her that I felt embarrassed going for a jog and she said, "What for? Just go for it." and it hit me that it was my body that was running and it was for my own good and for my health and I don't run to please anyone but myself! So.. I went for my first jog ever alone and it felt REALLY NICE AND AMAZING AND I LOVED IT SO MUCH and I wanted to do more. So I did it more.. And then I began to eat healthy and stopped eating food from the school's canteen. I honestly really dislike what they serve at the school's canteen. But hey, at least I managed to have my share of unhealthy, yummy, fried unhealthy, processed food before I actually realized that they're so bad for health. So kids, eat in moderation but you've gotta get yo ass of those food. But it's all up to you he he. But try to eat more fuits and vegetable and less deep fried food and stuff and processed food too yeah. You can watch "Food for a change." To see how bad processed, preserved canned food are etc etc etc. But eat in moderation laaaaaa.

And I remember during my second jog, there was this aunty that would cheer me on and give me thumbs up and other people too! And I felt really happy and motivated about it. It really did lift my mood up and it just felt, really nice! Getting motivation and being motivated when you're tired. Anyway, it all started from that first jog. And I'm really grateful for it. And the more I jogged each day, the more satisfied I felt with myself and my being and my health and stuff like that.

Brb I've got to help my mum take out the clothes.
Okay done, I helped her separate the laundry too!

Okay so anyway, what I've realized is that, the only person and the only thing to keep you motivated is you and your mind and yourself. It's all in your head to tell you whether you can do it or not. But please, always tell yourself that you can do it! Because, the sky is really your limit to push yourself to be a better you. And also to do something that you never think you could do. It's all mental strength, and also mental strength to build body strength. So when you equate it, it's mental strength for your body and your spirit. Everything is in your mind really.. How you feel, what you do, what you think you could do. It's all in your mind, and how you view things. It really does reflect on your life.

Wowowow there's so much to say this might get messy.

Anyway, I decided to stop eating deep fried food and processed food (I loved them so much yum yum yum) because of the oil and fat content, and as some of you know, it's always 80%/70% diet and 20%/30% exercise to be fit/healthy or whatever. I ate more fruits, more fish, more vegetable and lowered down my carbs and drank loads more of water (I love water it's the best thing ever y'all). Click here to read up the benefits of water B) Oh and also, I made sure I had breakfast every morning because breakfast is really important and some people say that they just can't eat breakfast in the morning BUT IT'S ALL IN DA MIND, REALLY. We have breakfast for a reason. Okay, so click here to read up the importance of breakfast! And once you start eating healthy, you don't want to stop, because when you eat healthy, you know that you're feeding your body with healthy stuff. And it's so important to love your body enough to supply it with vitamins and nutrients! :)

Well, I do eat crap once in a while, because we have to eat food good for your health and also good for your soul :)

There are times, I have to admit, where I'd go overboard with my diet.. Oh wait, speaking of diet. I hate how people misconcept the meaning of "diet" it doesn't simply mean, eat less, or eat nothing at all. It simply means.. having a balanced and well nourished diet. Having the right amount of vegetables, protein, carbs etc etc. So don't starve yourself because if you do starve yourself.. how's your body gonna learn how to burn those fats? And your metabolism would be pretty messed up. And it's really bad for your health and stuff so don't ok. Have a balanced diet. Have loads of fruits and nuts and water for snacks. Oh and sometimes, you could be thirsty instead of hungry, so drink water to know if you're really hungry. Yeah water. WATER. But it's important to eat after every three hours and by that I meant healthy snacks! In small portions (nuts and fruits and etc) to fuel your body (but make sure your portion's moderate) to booooost your metabolism! :)

ANYWAY, yeah, sometimes I'd go overboard with my diet and stuff. And like I'd feel crap if I think I've eaten too much or if I've eaten crap and I know that it wasn't good for my body to think that way, but I still decided to think that way. And yeah, it wasn't good for my body and my mind and for me. And yeah, I began to realize that, whatever I eat, and whatever I put into my body, I shouldn't regret or whatever. It was my choice and my decision at that moment and I shouldn't regret it. Because like they say, one crap meal won't affect your health or make you gain or anything, same as one good meal. I don't know how to say it properly, but don't regret what you eat, and even if you think you're gonna regret, always think before you eat and make the right decision. And it's okay, to eat junk once in awhile, it's okay. It's also okay to fulfill your cravings. Because we only live once (lol) which is true, and being healthy is a life style, and by life style, I mean by having a balance in everything you do.

And also, don't worry so much on the scale on your weighing machine. It's not about the numbers or whatever. It's about your health and stuff like that. It's about exercising and having a healthy diet. It's about nourishing your body and taking care of your body. It's about loving yourself, and loving what you have and always striving to improve yourself more and more.

Anyway, I should stop saying anyway, but I was shocked when I saw these pictures of myself before.. Wait let me find a before and after picture!

These were before (I'm choosing these pictures cuz I'm wearing the same outift lol) :


These pictures were taken during June I think..


And after! :

These pictures were taken during December!




Anyway, that's about it! Because I've been getting questions and stuff, so I decided to share it with you guys! And stuff :) If there's any questions or anything you can comment below or whatever. I'd really like to help :)