Thoughts of a 20 year old wtf lol

You know sometimes when you're filled with so much of feelings and thoughts and they fucking intertwine with each other and you have no escape but the only escape is a hope that you'll disappear. Not die. But just disappear for a split second to let go of these thoughts and feelings and feel nothing for the sake of your sanity.

But that's how life is. You can't fucking disappear. Even if you want to run away even if you want to do something impulsively, you can never disappear. You are what you make things out to be. Your thoughts are not you but an extension of you. What are we? What are we as individuals? Why are we put on this earth, in this life, why do we breathe, why do we feel why the fuck are we so much but at the same time we feel so little when we feel so much? It's like we feel and think more than what we actually are and the only way to actually BE is to make ourselves bigger than what we think we are if that makes sense.

Things have been crazy ever since coming back here to Malaysia. Emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Things really have been going crazy I guess but.. this is life as it is. Experiences, learning... etc etc etc. Everyone has to go through it sooner or later right? And as you go through life you realize like shit.. I'm in this on my own. All of the experiences I put myself in is all my own will. It's all with my will power and how I want myself to be. Well I mean God is there, and we have His way that we can follow. But we are sinners, and sometimes we dwell on our own intuition rather than what we think or know what God knows is right. Therefore we are sinners, and sometimes we bring ourselves into shit situation needed as lessons for this life. We just do. And then we have to understand how the fuck to get out.

And it's fucking tough to get out at times. Sorry I just like using the f word to emphasize on things. Don't mean to be vulgar but it's nice having your own space to swearrr FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCKKKKK. HAAAA.

Anyway yeah, I had a talk with my younger cousin today after dinner (bless her she's so wise haih) and she was just adivising me on how as individuals we need to learn how to embrace having time alone. Just completely alone, not hoping or knowing that anyone is there but just relying on your own company. Because when you think about it. It's just you. It's you. It makes sense.

I view myself as this.. I don't know if you guys do but I view myself as this..

We are there, I am here and those are the things around me. Those are the things that shape me to be me and also the things that alter how I think and feel about things. I'm complicating myself now.. Hahaha.

But anyway, what she told me or what I'm trying to convey is that. There are people in your life. You meet people, and they make you feel a certain way. They leave a piece of themselves with you. You collect them. And sometimes, you also do lose yourself along the way. And when you lose people, or how things were, you also lose part of yourself. And when you do, you feel loss. But do not fret! Because, that is when you should or I should learn on how to love myself and love my own company and not hope for someone to give all their loving for me. It's when you learn how to be selfish for the sake of not getting hurt. And that is when you learn how to be okay on your own. Not hoping anything from anyone because what you are giving yourself is enough. And at the end, you won't feel hurt. Because you've grown a fucking beautiful forest in your heart with the prettiest flowers and the most amazing insects and you have nothing to lose. And you know that whatever it is, you have your heart with you. And you have your soul with you. And when you lose yourself, you know that you love yourself enough to build it up again, to remove the weeds, to remove the thorns.

You don't become numb to things but you become immune to things. Weird how everything is a metaphor. I don't really remember my bio. But like something to do with you get the disease and you get sick for the first time (something to do with antibodies) and then after that you'll be strong and immune to the disease cz you've dealt with it and overcome it and it wont affect you no more.

And I guess that's how life is when shit happens to you. You react things from previous experiences and you're just immune. Yeah you do feel, but you're immune.

Right now all I gotta do is like my brother told me, is to be hopeful for the wider and broader things in life. Be hopeful that I'll be fucking successful. Be hopeful that I'll do well in life. Be hopeful that I'll be fucking fit and healthy. Be hopeful for the things beyond. Be hopeful that I will meet people that will expand my mind. And be hopeful that I'll find the medium and groove for my soul to embrace what I stand for and what I do.

I guess when you're hopeful for things beyond, you start becoming content. It's very important to be your beyond. And to work on your beyond. 

I want to love myself so much (in a non narcistic way of course) till I am able to grab hold of peace in my darkest days.

xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo

It's over. 

I'm starting to see.

Hello all! It has been awhile hasn't it? Anyway! A slight update on what has been happening etc etc etc.. tbh I don't really have a structure on what I really want to talk about but yeah. I guess I'll just talk about whatever really! My laptop's so dirty.. it's gross. One thing about me I keep nonsense in my laptop.. I never update it.. yeah. If my laptop was a wardrobe (it techincally is) it'll be disgusting. It already is. It's starting to bug me now :-(

Anyhoooooo I went to London yesterday with Kristina and Matthew (her boy) and it was nice and pretty chill! I enjoyed it. I had a pretty shit day before because someone called me useless. It was my uni's technician/helper and I wanted a brush but I wasn't specific cz I obviously wasnt thinking. And he was all like *shrug* *rolls eyes* what width do you want? then i was like show them to me son (in a nice way) then he showed me one all slouchy shouldered then I said "that's perfect! that will do" then he was all shrugy and was like "a pound and u get to keep it" then i was like "oh okay but i dont have my wallet with me it's in the studio" then he put his hands up and shook his head as if i did such a cRIME TO NOT BRING MY WALLET CZ I THOUGHT THAT I COULD BORROW A BRUSH and he was like "Useless"

and then I responded with "I can go back to the studio and take the money. it's no big deal. is that okay? and i'm not useless don't call me useless." And seriously people, a word really can affect someone. Or just your attitude. Like people are so oblivious by how words and attitude can really ruin someone's day. Like my day was ruined by that. Number 1, no one should ever be called useless. Ever. Let alone in a working environment? He got his fucking pound anyway and I hope he had a good day. but hell that was fucking frustrating and such a joy kill when you're in uni wanting to do your work and then getting called "useless" might sound like no big deal but when it's said right to your face especially by soeone who is supposedly supposed to help you out, you honestly feel so taken a back and like "did i do anything wrong?" but people when things like these happen to you remember it's not you. it's just the other person having a bad day and being a sonofagun trying to spread disguting aura to u. so shake it off. it affected me tho. but shrug whatever.

what i wanna say is, if anyone calls u anything or anything, and if it annoys you. it only shows you that you're not what that person is saying. it shows that it's not true. it show's that that person is lying about you to you. and hence, you get annoyed! theory!

Okay aside from thattttttt, London was great. I had to do work but my mum was like go to london have a break and get your mind of it. :-) and so I did! I went to saatchi gallery first! I walked there from victoria and then after that Holborn to meet Kristina and Matt then we went to this like huntarian museum gallery where there were preserved/dead bodies we watched videos of surgeries and they were so painful oh hell. Then we went to New London Architecture mUSEUM which got me hella excited on architecture!!! Then we got snacks and tubed to a park and chilled and got greeted by so many dogs. The cutest things ever. Can't wait to meet Otis and visit Elvis' grave.

Then we got backkkk and then my housemates called me from the kitchen and chilled with them for abit then etc etc etc yahhhh it was a good friday! I'm just chilling now. Gonna go Morrisons with Pritika in abit!!

Anyway, I've got to do a few things

1. get boxes for moving
2. finish my damn product
3. think of how im gonna head to the airport

19 DAYS TILL HOME WTF.

Margines

This'll be a short post! Anyway I think I'm hangover.. or maybe still a lil tipsy? I don't know how does alchohol digest in your body or how to remove it. I would go for a run but I've been running/working out too much that my muscles need to rest. Anyway yeah I went dancing last night! It went by pretty fast. Pritika had fun! But tbh everytime i go clubbing, and when i'm there I always wonder why I bother to go in the first place lol but it's ok!

Anyway, I wanna write the things that I am hella excited/looking forward to!

1. Finishing my project (I can't wait to get this done and over with to see the end product)

2. Packing my stuff up from this place!

3. GOING HOME MY GOD.

4. Seeing people from home :-)

5. Meeting Otis

6. Talking to Elvis' at his grave at the backyard

7. Going for a swim

8. Going for a run back home

9. Starting my architectural degree and feeling rather more excited than scared

10. Getting abs lol

I don't know I guess that's about it I'm kinda brain dead and I need to do my presentation! But I enjoy doing presentations so yay B-) Bye

coloured paper prunes

HIIIIII so easter break is almost over and I finally bought this yellow hoodie that ive been wanting. I can't stand the smell of new clothes tho blergh! Anyway this easter break has been good so far! I went to Paris :-) pictures are on facebook and it was great! Then did nothing much but chilled and visited friends @ London. And my parents got a new bull terrier puppy that I can't wait to meet!! 39 days!!! I haven't done any work so I've got to do it after I shower. Okay good bye this is kinda pointless. I just really tbh wanted to pose with my jacket btw im wearing my workout clothes underneath so ya and ya I just had dinner so pointless omg this post but i NEEDA START ON MY LIGHTING PROJECT YIKES WE'VE GOTTA PRESENT IT TO THE LIGHTING COMPANy.

Quote Kristina "the yellow hoodie is very you" thank u thank u 

I can't wait to go back home. Everything around me feels like an uneasy, haunted dream of unstability that I can't wait to get out of. I don't see myself progressing around here. And with that, I don't have the drive or motivation driven by inspiration to make me want to fulfil things or be better.

It's just shit.

I repeat, shit.