Ears to listen!

Was too lazy to be bothered to type with how I feel and what not and doing this always sort of makes me feel better. So yeah. If you feel like listening!

As you grow into yourself, you'll start realizing things about yourself and you start discovering who you are, right? And sometimes you will never fully understand or comprehend who you are but you'll get bits of who you are from experiences and so on..

Anyway, I do in fact like confiding in people and like it when people confide in me. It's a bonding at a different dimension of a relationship. But at the same time, I know that people will be there for me. I know that they are. But I dislike being a burden with my problems. Because at the end of the day, only you are able to cure yourself and build yourself upppppppppppp.

I'm down with food poisoning and thoughts.

It sucks but I know I'll get over it.

Ketchup with sweet mustard!

"You should actually shower now, you'll feel like a new woman." Said Halili after taking a shower at ma crib. And so when she left and I was done with lunch and a movie and the dishes, I decided to shower! "You should use this lavender body scrub. You'll feel so nice and smooth." Said my mum a few days ago and yes I did use the scrub. I smell more like coconut instead of lavender but I feel nice and smooth as well :-) 

Anyway, I'm listening to Slowdive right now! 

My parent's are on their way back from their fishing trip they had with their friends. I could've joined them but I had my own friends I wanted to meet and catch up with! Though, I miss fishing. 

But anyway, so yesterday Halili came over and we had "tea-time" cz she had my cake and I had coffee and some biscuits and then we got ready to head out to meet the other friends B-) I have a serious bad ass problem.. I am so indecisive when it comes to what to wear and it's such a really bad habit and it's so time consuming. It's so stupid. I mean it's a phase but it's so stupid.. and unreasonable in terms of time consumption and yeah.. just the whole thing!

So.. anyway, we cabbed to city square. And oh ma guuudness. It's so different - as in city square! I have not been there in ages and the food court's really lovely and the settings at the top level's really lovely and pleasent as well!

Yeah so basically it was me, halili, mae, sanj and pritasha. We caught up and whoahhh I've not laughed that hard and painfully in a really long time. Mae and I got really tired halfway though.

And then after catching up for a bit we decided to head to Sakae Sushi (WE ALWAYS GO THERE.) And guys remember that time we went to Sushi King for lunch and then Sakae Sushi for dinner. Yeah that time I tripped on the floor.

Mae was so sleepy that's why look at that but ala kesian. All in all it was so nice and great catching up with them and stuff. But yeah, we all do talk quite often on whatsapp so thank god for technology. But it was really lovely seeing their faces :-)

And then Halili Mae and I cabbed to Big Food which is a cafe opposite my house and then after some watermelon juice and warm lemon tea we walked home and insulted the heck outta each other on the sofa "kan face" "shit face urika" we couldn't think of a bad one for Halili and ya etc etc etc. And the night went on and on with music videos, conversations, and handphones and then sleep.

There's really no picture of mae in my phone... omg love you baby. 

Whilst listening to slowdive and we dive slowly into the song..

And then morning came so Mae had to go back to get her deck for her board and I made oats for Halili and I!

After that we decided to go for a walk and watch tv and then yeah.. there's really nothing much to do in JB we've realized except to go to each other's house.. or Singapore. 

And then bye Halili.

All in all it was lovely catching up with them and having lovely conversations :-) I've realized I really do like night time and I'm just waiting for the night to arrive already.. It's nothing negative or whatever it's just that at the moment I'm not bothered to do much and I have nothing to do and the night sort of gives you this solitude-dinal (there's no such word) comfort.

p/s : I wish that there were more pictures of Mae :-(

I suck at titles

I have massive problems when it comes to writing a "Post Title" because I honestly do not know what title I would want for this post. Maybe I'll decide at the end of this entry. Anyway, I did not realize that it would already be Friday today! Oh how the week goes by super massively fast.

I am super duper bored right now so I have decided to talk about my day today from a - z since I can't seem to be bothered with what the internet has to offer (at the moment) (I'll definitely read more articles/watch videos/music later on) (but not now.)

Anyway, I woke up at 9.30 am today I think and had ma detox water and juice! I then decided to jog because I sorta knew it would rain in the evening and that would make me not jog and I really wanted to jog in the morning sun as well as apparently it makes you sleep earlier and well at night or when it is time to sleep - or so I hope! So yeah anyway I did 3 rounds and by the time I got back I was sweating like a mofo because the sun was blazinnnnnn'

Anyway yeah after that I toasted bread and spread 1/2 and avocado that my parents left behind for me. A picture of my breakfast is not necessary but I like blog post with pictures (in general).

I swear this is the yummiest bread I have tasted in my whole life. I wanted to have a third slice but I thought that I should save more for tomorrow/later or whatever lol. SO GOOD.

Anyway after that I did the dishes, uh made my bed, hung them clothes and then showered and then got ready to go grocery shopping with my mutti aka mum. We bought groceries for dinner and my cake making B-)

Yeah anyway, so I've passed my driving test (lol.. "passed") but yeah I did so mum asked if I wanted to drive up the road and turn into the house like it was such a big deal.. because it was a big deal so I was pretty stoked and was like ya sure so we exchanged seats and I drove in and she panicked so much and it was quite funny cz it's actually just turning in..

Anyway so I came home and made myself some coffee and broused did I just spell browsed as broused and browsed the net and then made ma cake! I found this raw vegan carrot cake recipe and decided to try it :-)

It's super easy and super fun to make! I also decided to make the "icing" for it. It's made out of cashew nuts and coconut oil and honey and stuff!

Anyway, after that I had to clean up and help mum prepare the roasted chicken that I love super damn freaking much so I then chopped crap loads of vegetable it was quite disgusting like a freaking farm in a bowl

And then after that I skipped rope and decided to watch Totoro. IT IS a damn freaking feel good cute kawaii movie that made me smile and laugh and it had such a pleasent ending I love it so much. Tho the cat bus and totoro had quite scary smiles but they had good hearts :-)

And then dinner! So happy that there are leftovers! Well the leftovers are bound to happen and my parents won't be around for the weekend so yay free prepared food for me and my homies if they do come over. I think they are.

Okay so after dinner I did the dishes again while my parents had to do their own stuff and then I decided to go for a walk after throwing the rubbish out because the weather was so good and so was the air so I guess it was a sign from above for me to go for a walk and then I came back and continued Totoro. Still such a cute movie!

After that my parents wanted to try da carrot cake.

And then this was yesterday's lunch..

I've missed my mum's aglio e olio so so so much!

It's buckwheat pasta, squid, prawn, peas, cherry tomatoes, cheese, onion, garlic and idk a pinch of delicious.

Anyway yeah this is my Friday for you today.. I honestly do not know what to do after this. I might read a book or shower for the sake of it or just continue browsing later. We'll see how things go! All in all, when I'm home I really do just like being at home.. most of the time. But I think I'll be going out tomorrow though. I'm not sure about that.

And Elvis is getting better.

and p/s miss you Celine!

I'm gonna try to sleep early tonight but I think it won't happen.

Omg I just read my title without really looking at it and it looks like "I suck at titties"

Give and take

I'm sitting at my front porch. I am comforted by the breeze and the greens. I can hear the birds and the chimes. I am by my dog Elvis. He is really very weak. My dad said it "might be about time." but I choose not to believe for.. I can't predict whatever is bound to happen. I'm trying not to think much about the future situation but I'll just be by his side and be his comfort for he has been mine throughout the years.

As I looked up face front..

I thought of my dog. On how he has taught me so much about being loyal, humble, and showing himself on how much he cares through actions instead of words. He doesn't ask for much. He asks and gives things that can be felt instead of seen.. and it's such a beautiful thing to witness.

We don't need much. We really don't.

Having said that,

I hope I have given people, my pets, things, nature, environment (basically whatever I sub-depend on) enough credit and appreciation to how wonderful many of them have been for me. I hope I am giving back or am giving well enough to them as a friend, as ears, as a heart, as a soul and as a person put on this earth for them (as well).

And I can honestly and truthfully say that I am in deed, giving back and showing my appreciation by building myself up together with their wisdom, love, and care by becoming a better person each day. At least I do try.. or I don't try at all. But even if I do or I don't, I do always have the intentions to become a better person for myself and how I treat the other party.

To give is to take and to take is to give.

What I mean is, when I give with sincerity, I take in lessons and satisfaction from others for myself in the most humblest way. And when I say to take is to give, whatever love, wisdom, care, advice I take in, I hope to give it back as they build me up in order to give back :-)

And by "hoping that I am giving enough." I hope that I, at the same time - am nourishing myself enough with goodness that is offered to me. I hope that the goodness that I have gained through experiences, and observation is building me up as a person on this earth day by day for the well of myself and the things around me.

I hope to plant seeds to shelter the ground, both metaphorically and literally.

I hope that this heart of mine would be sincere for you.

I decided to do something and then had this odd weird twisting feeling in my heart T.T

But.....

whatever....

I'll go and skip my rope again. I've been bringing it around. Better than nooosing myself.
Like an empty well it was.

Smaller bigger things

I'm so sleepy. Exhausted and whatever. But I can't help but want to type or talk about something.

Well.

I honestly do miss being at a place for a month straight instead of going weekly to different environments. I just feel so unsettled. It's like "here we go again." but then again, that isn't much of a big deal. It isn't something that I should take so seriously, and make it as an excuse emotionally. It's such a small matter.

I am learning and should learn to look at the bigger picture.
I think I am. There are so many matters that I should focus my attention and effort on. So much of positivity to give and take.

I actually don't remember what I wanted to talk about. At least I had a conversation and reassurance with myself in my head.

All in all, I am very contented with who I am and what I am today. I'm trying to be the best that I can be at every moment of my life. Or what I feel is good enough to give. I don't ask for much from other people as well.

I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe tomorrow.

Insides s s s

I believe that.. confidence with a smile is key. By that I mean; not being afraid of what you're doing and who you present yourself to be, or who you are.. well.. if you've gotten that figured out (who you are) (because I definitely do not know who I am). And by that I mean, not being afraid to be something that you are/who you think you are/who you think you should be/what is right for you, sincerity! and not being afraid to face mistakes, not being afraid to take any action to stand firm on what you know is right, - just not being afraid of yourself and what you choose to portray in your environment. If it comes from the heart, if it's genuine from within then you and everyone would know what's up.

And that smile is what levels your ego down, that smile is to show that you're sincere and humble as a person. Yes confident, but at the same time you would own up to your mistakes, you dare to know you're wrong. That smile is to compromise any situation with empathy.

And that smile could also mean, "I believe I'm right.. and you know it."

Secondly, I also believe that it is really good to help. Even if you feel that you are not capable, even if you think that you are not. Just do what you are capable of, offer help with all your heart and what your heart can handle. And at the end.. hope for nothing in return and stay true to karma. It's so contradicting, but you know that if you do good, if you have a good heart. You expect nothing and you become contented with the littlest things and so.. you'll make the good out of everything. A sincere heart will radiate it's glow and sincerity to everything and anything around it. I guess it's pretty simple!

Also, follow instincts.
And by that, I mean your own intuitions.

Because you carry your gut, your brain and your heart! :-)

Organize yoself / back

I now have one shoe and one bag which I wear out 100% of the time for the past month and it is so rare of me.

Any way, I think that I'm growing and growing each day even at my downest, even at my highest, I'm definitely growing and becoming stronger each day and certain of myself even though I think I'm not sometimes but I know throughout the days and whatever. I am infact, growing or becoming a contented container of a contented soul. Oh phases and moments. So bipolar when it comes to life!

Furthermoreeeee ... . ..  .

I used to change my bags to carry out quite often. But recently, I've been just stuck to one.. which is this navy blue leather bag. Aside from that, I've also been walking around on my brown leathered loafers because.. they both just go with everything and yeah. They are safe enough to wear out with any outfit I put on. 

I still will use my other shoes and bags though. It's just that I've been really comfortable with these two and it's kinda rare. Like I'm always changing shoes everyday, and bags but I've kinda stopped! :-O it's as though I'm not bothered to bother or like you know.. yeah.. I just can't be bothered. 

They are my essential basics now till I don't know when- I guess. This whole topic about my shoe and my bag isn't important and don't matter but I just feel like talking about it instead of things that actually do matter.

I'm kinda annoyed because really none of this really matter and I don't even know why I'm talking about my shoe and my bag.

Anyway, I'm still the same and by same I mean not organized and messy. The bigger the bag, the more cluttered it is and the more filled it is with things that I DO NOT NEED. And this bag can fit a lot. What is that is that an eye liner? 2 books (an extra one incase I finish reading the other) loose coins, 2 pens.. wrappers. 

So, I decided to write this post to organize the content on my bag and hope that this post will motivate me to organize it well.

What I need and want in it is...

+ I want to start to carry a camera around. Any camera other than my phone. I've got so many cheap film cameras loaded with films but I haven't really shot much.

+ A small notebook (I already have that)

+ A pen. ONE PEN!

+ My keys

+ Portable charger + cable (tell myself to charge them everynight)

+ Tissue paper.. 

+ I have a small bottle of lotion

+ Lip gloss.

+ My wallet.

+ My water bottle.

Yeah. I do wanna start taking pictures to develop them. I'll get that started once I'm back again. Remind yourself, Zoe!

When I'm back, all I wanna do is stay at home. Help up with them chores, go for runs, walk ma dog, watch TV, draw, etc etc etc.. I love the comfort too much and cbf to do anything else :-) Sorry fwens hehehe.

What did I do today? Well, I made juice with mum and then breakfast. And then did my parent's bed and not mine because what's the point if it's gonna be messy again the next morning.. right? Toilet. Uh walked ma dawg B-) so gonna miss walking him :-( uh hung clothes did them dishes watched tv played the guitar and piano and tried to sing but i felt like I couldn't so I drank honey and I still couldn't so I stopped. And then dilly delly da da da then wanted to run but this time it was legit gonna pour so I didn't want and did blogilates instead! Then I went off for dinner and had korean food.

Well yeah, I honestly feel really comfortable with things now and I really don't wanna leave home. I'd have to leave by Friday. Honestly wish I could be here longer. I feel so relaxed and pleased with things and things have been really pleasent. The air here is really good as well and I get to walk my dog and stuff.

I honestly wish I could stay put at home for like 3 months straight. It has been a long time since I've stayed put at home :( But oh well.. I have lovely friends and family at KL as well!

Stop it!

I've been wanting to write about something/things that I relatively felt "strongly" about. Basically, I've been wanting to vent and rant on my peeves. Things that annoy me painfully. Things that make me want to roll my eye and cross my hands at the thought of it.

My day was good. It was really productive. And one thing I really love doing is running. Running outdoors especially. Where the air is fresh, and where your vision isn't just monotonous on a focused spot. You are actually able to move forward against the wind or against resistance. I love it so much.

Well, it looked as if it was going to pour, so I decided to change/convert my jog to a run incase it rained. So my speed was increased. The temperature of the atmosphere was amazing, it was cooling, and it was cloudy and the air smelled so gooooooooooood together with my newly downloaded music. Running felt so good today! 

During my last round of the run, my field of vision was the same except it was becoming blurred by...

SMOKE!

Open burning smack right infront of my face by one of my neighbours. Right there, the house on my right, I saw smoke, I saw fire, I could smell it even and feel it on my skin, Particles of ash. I increased my speed to avoid it and held my breath. I really do hate open burning. So, so, so, so much. Yes, I know it's going to pour and the rain will wash away whatever smell bla, bla, bla but that still isn't an excuse to allow yourself to burn yo shit openly.

It's so selfish. It's open, there are people around you and your freaking particles will seep through areas and it will affect your neighbours and the people around. Think before you act. What more! It totally spoils the pleasent atmosphere we do not get when it's hot and sunny and humid and stuff.

Sooo many other ways to dispose your rubbish, your dried leaves your whatever you're burning. I know it's the easy way out, but it won't be an easy way out once we can't breathe due to your contribution to painting the air with dirt. It sucks having to hold your breath, it sucks doing your daily activities with the smell of smoke rubbing you on the face.

Writing this post won't solve anything. I know. But I just want to rant and vent about this issue.

But it's like they know.. they know it isn't good. Well it keeps the flies and mosquitos away. But.. it's distraction. Social distraction.  

I just find it really inconsiderate and rude.

To the environment and to the people around you as well.

And your poor pets as well.

Ugh!

Back!

Hello all! I actually made a new blog with a new email address to start off a new thing but I decided not to and to just remain here. That's one thing about me, I can never put certain to one thing. I have tonnes of half written note books which were supposed to be "the one" or whatsapp usernames, or biodatas or perspective towards things in life. I'm constantly changing and evolving and rotating back and forth but that's what makes me me and makes me human!

I have been good today, which started half from yesterday!

Let's first talk about my trip back home. Going back to JB, it was obviously more humid and oxygenated me with cleaner air. But it felt so good and at the same time lost in place. Like where do I belong where do I long and I realized that I do belong at both places. Here and there! I tend to think too much.

Anyway, home was great, I managed to catch up, exchange conversations and just experiencing growth with friends. Building ourselves up, watching ourselves fall, picking ourselves up. It was really nourishing and it felt really good. Being with the people from home.

I felt down when I came back, and started reading and writing on lose paper, iphone notes a lot. Wrote poems after poems of feelings and profuse thoughts. They were good for that moment but took a toll on me.

I'm feeling so much better now! :)

Johor Bahru

My stay/visit home this time in particular has been really good and welcoming in so many ways. First day upon arriving here, I had the weird sense of belonging again.. like part of me was more to KL than to JB. And then I started meeting up with friends, and the people who I grew up with. People who made home, home and it felt lovely and I could feel the sense of contentment. And I am contented as I feel settled at KL as well as JB but at the same time, confused. But it feels really good.

It feels so good confiding in great friends, and knowing whats up, and exchanging life philosophies and sharing with people what you have learnt over strange and odd times.

"Yeah Zoe, I see you posting your philosophical stuff online. You and your sudden epiphanies."

And it's also great seeing good lovely close best friends change and grow as people. On how things have built them up over experiences, and it's so lovely catching up with growth and understanding. I feel nourished in a sense.

Home will always be home. I still feel unsettled to my sense of belonging as I have been neither here nor there. But I am taking in things for the moment :-)