Months or years from now, who thought that I would be a 19 year old Zoe Kan sitting in her room 7 days a week, spending her afternoons, nights and mornings listening to tunes with these beautiful portable speakers bought by her parents before her leaving abroad. One of the many things that I am grateful for. Including this laptop bought when I was 15 (do not think I should've deserved it then) that crashes during the most critical times ever. But no one's to blame.. no one's to blame. But instead, there are things to be grateful for.

Many days I've found myself frowned up with self pity, wanting life to shower me with goodness as a token of apology for the "shit" that I perceive that it has put me through. But I'm tired. I have been tired and now I am just numb. Accepting the fact that this is me and this is my life and I am okay (at least I hope that I'm not in denial) with my life.

An important point to point out is that I am beyond blessed with the love and support that I know is unconditionally around me. But me being "okay" with this life I'm in now makes me want to not be "okay" with it and to swim out from this tide that's drowning my capability. If I came here without any expectations, and I feel like a dead soul.. Shouldn't my gut feelings have already revealed themselves to me? I feel the urge to puke.

It's only 7 pm and I already want it to be 10 pm for me to deserve to sleep. But I believe that it is too soon.

I dream of a life to where I don't have to dream of a life. To where my heart and soul and reveal myself with an aura it produces. To speak without words. I know it takes time and I know with understanding and realisation, I have to constantly put myself out there and be open to shit smack to my face. To let these tears leak from me. To let go and to receive.

I enjoy crying. A lot! I enjoy the tears warming my cheeks. It doesn't have to mean anything. It just is. And it is comforting. I enjoy having the warm sun against my skin and laughing till I ache. I enjoy having my hands held. I enjoy drawing as an escape. I enjoy tuning in and falling in to a tune. I enjoy feeling sad but knowing that it will be okay. And sometimes knowing that it won't be okay unless I do something a bout it. I enjoy feeling sorry for myself in order to get my parents to put sense in to my head. You just need that.

Coming here has felt like a dream. I felt like I barely reached the fullstop for the end of a chapter before I left. I felt like there were still so many pages, words and sentences to be written before proceeding to a new chapter. But I don't think that I am in control of writing my story. But I definitely am living it how it's supposed to be with my own freewill of choices.

Coming here, I've feel like nothing feels like real matter. My thoughts are on home, or on the future. The present of my mind is where I am not supposed to be. And I bet that happens to everyone I guess. But I can't feel my feet on the ground. I feel like I'm in a dream and when I wake up, I'll still be in a dream. Because I've understand this familiar feeling enough to give it a hand shake and wear on thicker skin toward it.

Hmm.

Points.

I was walking, towered by the city lights holding up the darkness of the sky,
The combination of shelter producing a clone of my matter
Still shadows follow me on my left.. One clear, and one vague.
I kept on looking at them following me. With my heart beating faster than ever. I felt scared and unsure of my own shadow. As I feel that being a lone would be safer. Why was I scared of the light against myself in the still darkness?

I wanted to be the only moving object of existence.
I didn't want to be accompanied by the darkness that I produced.

I walked further and faster.
I focused the front and slowly let my shadows drift
into the darkness.

Loads of work piled up in the corner of my mind - but it's okay. It's always good to give yourself time to relax, wind down and .. I forgot the word that I really wanted to use.

Anyway! you'll roughly understand where I'm going :-) I'll just write myself to sleep.

Coming to UK has still (but it's getting better) a whirlpool. But to be honest, along a narrow and bitter line, I can feel myself getting better and my perspective to things change. I'm starting to feel less sorry for myself, and am allowing myself to grow and nourish the way I am supposed to. Trial and error is what life is all about I guess. Everyone's living a different life, different future, different change and growth time. This is definitely one of the weirdest and most heart breaking and at the same time, relieving and self realising one I've had. And I know I have more life roller coasters to come.

But I am secured by an everlasting love knowing that everything will be fine and I am growing the way I am supposed to be. I am out of comfort to look for comfort and it a repeat. I am on the road to build strong muscles for my mental strength. It is scary but exciting and nourishing.

Bad days will come, and they will make me strong.
Good days are always in the bad days :-)