Damn.

I feel like I do not know what to do besides listening to music. I need to sort my life out right now. It sucks you know, when you feel like there's so much that you can offer and that there's so much that things can offer to you. But you're just bitter towards yourself and the things around you. You just do not know where to face, really. Your mind is cluttered and your conscience is vague, blurred and full of self doubt. I fucking hate how everything in my mind feels like a blur. How my insides is a mash of things rather than an organised book shelf, an organised closet, an organised diary. My insides are boxes, piled with shit in each and one of them. Picking the things out at random to try suit my mood. Or vice versa.. whatever that means.. whatever.

I'm still confused about that whole changing of university thingy to be honest. I'm scared. Where do I live? What if I don't make friends? What if I'm outcasted? Since I always assume or think that I have been so bruised by my well-being here. But dig in deep, I know that it's bullshit. I am stronger than the things that I think pull me down. I am stronger than the variables and the factors that make me sad. I know that for a fact. But it's always so easy being sorry and afraid of yourself. I'm so blessed with the people and friends I've met and made here. But I believe in an environment in nourishing you and inspiring you. What you're set to do. The internet can only do so much, but the internet is a bloody black hole of reality away from reality. It's an escape from reality into watching the realities of others.

I have caught myself wondering what the fuck am I actually doing with my life. I think about it. I am blessed to have an education as any blessed child is. I am brought to a different country to get exposure and to gain experience (it is an experience alright) and all experiences are different. I have and should do well in university to make it worth while and I should spend my time on what I am put here to do. And I should like what I am doing because I chose it and because I think I like it. Like they say, life is short. Do what you want to do. But my god "do what you want to do"..? that's limitation right there. That's panic for me. If I were to do what I wanted to do.. I wouldn't even know what I would wanna do. Actually I would, I would like to try surfing and also mountain climbing and make a living out of it. I would like to do bloody art therapy and find out of aliens exists. I would like to scare the shit out of myself by scuba diving deeeeep into the ocean. But they say that "you can do that ones your degree is over. once you've earned your money." and that's true to a certain extend.

But do I really? Should I go through this again? I feel like I've grown to be so lazy.. so lazy to explore the possibilities of things being able to be picked up and learn and to nurture myself in because I search for easy escape like listening to music, drawing, running, watching shows. Time for yourself is good because you actually find things to nurture yourself and find things that you enjoy doing but what if it's not what you're supposed to do? But then again, what if, it is because that's the way you are? I don't know, I feel like I have this big pile of life wanting to vomit out from me but I'm just too afraid to mess myself up and to clean the mess I've made. If that makes sense.

Education is a fucking scam. I hate it when money is involved. Money is good but it's also obligation because it comes to "worth" it comes to being "fortunate" and it is, it really is. And when you're fortunate, you have to show gratitude.

All in all, I am a confused 19 year old wanting to do nothing but walk.