But that's how life is. You can't fucking disappear. Even if you want to run away even if you want to do something impulsively, you can never disappear. You are what you make things out to be. Your thoughts are not you but an extension of you. What are we? What are we as individuals? Why are we put on this earth, in this life, why do we breathe, why do we feel why the fuck are we so much but at the same time we feel so little when we feel so much? It's like we feel and think more than what we actually are and the only way to actually BE is to make ourselves bigger than what we think we are if that makes sense.
Things have been crazy ever since coming back here to Malaysia. Emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Things really have been going crazy I guess but.. this is life as it is. Experiences, learning... etc etc etc. Everyone has to go through it sooner or later right? And as you go through life you realize like shit.. I'm in this on my own. All of the experiences I put myself in is all my own will. It's all with my will power and how I want myself to be. Well I mean God is there, and we have His way that we can follow. But we are sinners, and sometimes we dwell on our own intuition rather than what we think or know what God knows is right. Therefore we are sinners, and sometimes we bring ourselves into shit situation needed as lessons for this life. We just do. And then we have to understand how the fuck to get out.
And it's fucking tough to get out at times. Sorry I just like using the f word to emphasize on things. Don't mean to be vulgar but it's nice having your own space to swearrr FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCKKKKK. HAAAA.
Anyway yeah, I had a talk with my younger cousin today after dinner (bless her she's so wise haih) and she was just adivising me on how as individuals we need to learn how to embrace having time alone. Just completely alone, not hoping or knowing that anyone is there but just relying on your own company. Because when you think about it. It's just you. It's you. It makes sense.
I view myself as this.. I don't know if you guys do but I view myself as this..
We are there, I am here and those are the things around me. Those are the things that shape me to be me and also the things that alter how I think and feel about things. I'm complicating myself now.. Hahaha.
But anyway, what she told me or what I'm trying to convey is that. There are people in your life. You meet people, and they make you feel a certain way. They leave a piece of themselves with you. You collect them. And sometimes, you also do lose yourself along the way. And when you lose people, or how things were, you also lose part of yourself. And when you do, you feel loss. But do not fret! Because, that is when you should or I should learn on how to love myself and love my own company and not hope for someone to give all their loving for me. It's when you learn how to be selfish for the sake of not getting hurt. And that is when you learn how to be okay on your own. Not hoping anything from anyone because what you are giving yourself is enough. And at the end, you won't feel hurt. Because you've grown a fucking beautiful forest in your heart with the prettiest flowers and the most amazing insects and you have nothing to lose. And you know that whatever it is, you have your heart with you. And you have your soul with you. And when you lose yourself, you know that you love yourself enough to build it up again, to remove the weeds, to remove the thorns.
You don't become numb to things but you become immune to things. Weird how everything is a metaphor. I don't really remember my bio. But like something to do with you get the disease and you get sick for the first time (something to do with antibodies) and then after that you'll be strong and immune to the disease cz you've dealt with it and overcome it and it wont affect you no more.
And I guess that's how life is when shit happens to you. You react things from previous experiences and you're just immune. Yeah you do feel, but you're immune.
Right now all I gotta do is like my brother told me, is to be hopeful for the wider and broader things in life. Be hopeful that I'll be fucking successful. Be hopeful that I'll do well in life. Be hopeful that I'll be fucking fit and healthy. Be hopeful for the things beyond. Be hopeful that I will meet people that will expand my mind. And be hopeful that I'll find the medium and groove for my soul to embrace what I stand for and what I do.
I guess when you're hopeful for things beyond, you start becoming content. It's very important to be your beyond. And to work on your beyond.
I want to love myself so much (in a non narcistic way of course) till I am able to grab hold of peace in my darkest days.
xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo
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