To anyone feeling down..

And so, I was looking out from the plane. And I saw how small the cars were, and how small the people in the cars were. How the trees looked like just blotches of green, and how small the animals are, like microorganisms from where I am. And how the buildings are so small. And how they don't intimidate me at all. And I thought of the people, and then I thought of how small the plane is from where they are, and how small I am in the plane. And how I am close to nothing in the universe. I am smaller than a speck. And then I thought about how our worries are worth nothing. They are not worth our strength and sadness. It's really close to nothing. So if anyone is feeling down, God is so much greater than this worry we have in our heart. And that is something we all should concentrate on.

Anyone?

Are feelings and thoughts the weirdest, most tormenting things or what? I suddenly feel horrible, or think that I do feel horrible. And it's not anyone's fault. If there is anyone, the only one would be me. I am so good and making my self feel crap. So good with putting thoughts in my head. So good to torment myself by sensitivity. It's so hard to write down how I feel, but I really want to.

It's so hard to even visualize.
I respect people who can actually write down on how they feel sometimes.
I'll try my best, though.

It's just that when you look at something, and then you look at yourself and then you ask yourself "What are you doing with your life?" I'm talking about comparing. I'm gonna be honest, to the point of honesty that I have this bad habit on comparing my life to others. But I am also damn good at contradicting that thought and telling myself that I am blessed. And I actually am. It's just this whole cycle, of me, comparing myself, my life and etc and feeling crap and then realizing how blessed I am.

But sometimes, I just feel so.. pathetic.
I just wish that I could concentrate on my life alone, and be the best I can. And not let what other people are doing, get to me. I hate it when that happens. I don't know how to explain, it's so hard. But my heart just.. cringes, and they go inward, and my heart beat gets heavy. Not slower, but they feel heavy. It's so weird how sometimes emotions, can make your heart feel odd.

I know that God has plans for me.
But sometimes, you just cant help comparing your life.
I know it is bad to do so. But sometimes, sometimes, I just can't help me. But I do slap myself into realization, which I will, at the end of writing this entry. And I'd regret posting this. But no, I won't put it down.

It's just that, I want to do so many things. I see so many things for me to do.
And, it's hard to find the opportunity to do so. At least, that's what I think.
I'm talking about things in general.
But this could be hormonal at the end of the day.
Well, no one knows.

What is human nature anyway? Is this human nature or is this me being really odd. No doubt, I am a happy person in general. But there are many expressions to express and emotions to emote. There is a huge pallet that I am allowed to feel or dwell in, and now I'm just in that "ugh" zone. But you know what I need now? I need a solace. And someone to say "I understand how you feel." Even if we, as different individuals can never, ever fully understand how the other can feel. But you know, it's comforting to know that someone does "understand". It's like a confirmation knowing that you're not alone. It's scary being alone.

And I'm asking for so much, and I am ranting so much.


And if anyone is feeling the way I do, all I want to tell you is that, I understand how you feel.

And if no one ever feels this way..

Help?

L3t's g0

I decided to blog to distract myself from hunger.

Anyway, these few couple of days has been really odd and weird like i was a freaking emotional wreck and i felt disgusted by it.

But I decided to dance in my room and everything was better. And I prayed too.

I guess, I was too bored to the extend of sadness and felt like, I shouldn't be like this.

And another thing was, I woke up this morning realizing that people shouldn't let one small thing or mistake define who they are as a person and they should let go from it. It might be tough, but everyone should have the strength to move on. You can't just stop at one point when you make a mistake! It's so important to forgive others as well as yourself and just move on. There's so much more to everyone if you just give them and yourself a chance.

I have been hanging out with the Kool Kids Klub, and Ice Peanut recently. I might hang out with Nabs and Kleef tomorrow after following my dad to the office! And I jwashed my dad's car with mum this morning/afternoon/brunch. I remember wishing Puan Khoo "Good Brunch!" once because I wasn't sure if it was morning/afternoon. I was supposed to follow dad to work this morning but caffeine didn't allow me to sleep. ~.~

Anyway, here are 2 pictures I took recently recently edited.

My dog's face... it actually pains me. 

Anyway, I feel like writing a poem so maybe I should! 

--

I wrap myself up in a nutshell, and make conclusion to who I am.

Let one little mistake, overcome and smother me.

In the nut shell, I am blinded by darkness, as it blankets my soul.

Afraid to let go of this demon, like precious gold.

The nutshell cracks open, I am afraid, there is nowhere for me to go.

These thoughts and feelings, that has been attacking me like a crow.

The light shines in.

My shell is finally cracked open.

I am out of my shell.

I have a story to tell.

And at the end of the day, all of us are made up of a cell.

The light is my best friend, the happiness is in my soul,

I feel alive from head to toe.

And there's so much more to you. I just want you to know.

--

Sometimes, I don't even know if I feel the way I write my poems. Some people, the write the things they feel and see. I am not sure if I do, really. As odd as it sounds! But it might be a subconscious thing. 

:)

And I have a tumblr now : koezan.tumblr.com do follow me if you wanna!
And plus, I actually wrote this entry this morning/afternoon but I was contemplating whether or not to post it because I might add stuff to blog about. But I didn't well, actually I did but they were nothing major. And so I shall publish this post now.

And I somehow can't seem to customize my blogger layout thingy anymore and I am frustrated and I don't like looking at my blog now. Can someone help me please!

I wanted to say something, but I forgot.

Oh now I do remember! On my way back home from dinner, as we were driving pass the beach, Lido Beach, my parents were talking about the houses on my left, on how the houses would sell well or something like that. Adult talk, or mature talk. And then I decided to look to my right after looking to my left (whilst listening to them talking about the houses) and I was looking at Danga Bay, and then we drove pass it and we were driving along the beach.. and then I decided to tell them how upset I am with the state of the beach. How it had so much potential to be a place for people to enjoy and spend time. A beach. A beach in town. A place where people could actually go in and do things they were supposed to do at the beach. I was so upset that I was complaining really loudly. Sigh. It truly is a waste. And then my dad told me how he used to go into the ocean and swim and actually do fun stuff there. And how he could actually see the corals and the fishes and stuff.

I just feel so..
Left out and bad for my generation.
Or feel bad for the people who didn't get to experience it.
And annoyed by the fact that when the state of the ocean was getting bad, no one bothered to do anything to make it any better. And now that it really is bad, they say things like, "Oh, the state of the water/ocean is too bad that it's hard to make it any better."

I am confused.
I am so confused between the relationship between two person on how they can bond. And how they can break.

So confused with the disagreements and agreements and whether to forgive.
So confused whether the friendship is worth saving.
I mean I don't get it.

I'm just lazy.
And I need someone who understand me.
Someone to talk to, someone I can be lazy to explain how I feel to.
It's all a question mark.

If a bond breaks, what's the reason for it?
How would we know if it's for the better or for the worse.
I would like to answer myself.
I think it's for both.

Is this a beginning or am I just gonna leave it hanging?

Hello all! I've finally pushed and forced myself to blog. I forgot how it actually feels like, putting your mind into saying and typing something. I don't know. I feel so foreign now it's so weird. I feel so odd now. It's weird!

I used to be the type that would blog almost all the time and I would love it. But now, I don't really do it anymore. And I think that I should continue doing it. I have a brain, and I need to use it to think. I mean, I do think, but this is a different thing to think about. I mean, it requires more brain since I'm typing and stuff.. oh god you see. my iq and eq has gone down.

Well, the holidays has been very very good so far and I'm happy with everything. But then again, it's human nature to be unsatisfied with everything. I'm too caught up with happiness and I'm too much in the flow that it's frustrating me. I want to do something. I really do. But when I have to do something, (i.e driving classes ugh) I get heavy hearted. I don't know..

And another reason why I stopped blogging is because I contradict myself a lot. And I change subjects a lot and then go back to it. I don't know. And I type I don't know a lot. Anyway, I'm dreading to go for driving classes. I don't know why. Actually, I do know why. I just hate how the van has to pick me up, and then how I'd be left there and everything's just so tensed at that place. I don't know how to put it. But I know things will be better if I don't think so much.

And I've got to get my license done, anyway. I just wished that the driving instructor would be my uncle or something. I'm sorry that I sound like a spoilt brat but ugh I'm really dreading the whole driving thing. But I'm doing it to lessen burden and stuff. And driving is fun, actually. But the whole process of (the whole process is actually nothing) driving is so.. (well it's actually nothing). But then again, I'm blessed that I have the privilege to drive.

Other than that, I'm following my dad to the office tomorrow to learn some c double-o l stuff and I'm pretty excited I guess. But I'm more excited knowing that I have to wake up early. And I do enjoy waking up early. Because I've been waking up at 10.30 and I hate it so so much. I love waking up early in the morning and having a bad ass breakfast.

Anyway, I really do hope that I'd continue blogging. Although, I feel like I haven't really gotten back the hang of it.. If there really is a "hang" to get back to.

Oh! and +++ I'm going for a bbq tomorrow. Can't wait! :>

I feel like this is the right time to blog. Just because.. well, there isn't a reason. I'm listening to Box Car Racer and it's so nostalgic to the point of tears in my heart. Oh god. Reminds me so much of my brother's teenage days and where I actually secretly did like the adrenaline punk rock gave me. I tried to hide it, though.

Anyway, I've been as free as a bird and I constantly question myself stuff like "what are you doing with your life." and I don't know right now. I just can't wait to go to college and stuff.

And I'm too lazy to blog so yeah bye.

Purple

I tend to blog when I'm feeling odd. Not sad, just odd. More like out of place. It's just that normal unsatisfactory feeling that everyone gets once in awhile. And blogging has become my source of solace . Besides God, family and my best friend. But well, I just feel like blogging tonight.

I am sleep deprived, and I'm sick, but I'm not doing anything about it and I don't know why. I miss writing poems, but sometimes I feel like I'm not sad enough, hence, I do not have the ability to do so, which is false. I don't know why, I tend to distract myself with myself too much.

I was an emotional, angsty, wreck last year who was probably controlled by hormones, that's why I was sad most of the time last year and wrote more poems, and did more things to make myself feel happy about myself. But I find happiness very easily now a days, because I'm accustomed and immune to so many feelings and thoughts from other people.

And I glad I am! :)

Anyway, I wrote this poem last year, which I found while I was clearing my room.

That's the name of the poem! And it goes like this (well, it's actually a story which has a poem in it, so I'll just type the poem down!)

"I have a purple unibrow."

"The row of fur above my eyelids,

below my forehead. Can you see it?

It's purples, It's in a row!

Would it make you go?

I hear screams and gasps when I show it,

Which is most of the time- and then I get timid-

Timid with my emotions like a sad fish in the seaweed,

I'm different and it's a task to which I have to deal with.

Some are fascinated with my unibrow,

It grows grapes when someone sees a rainbow,

Although my eyebrows grow purples in a row,

I sell the grapes to get some dough."

xx